Non-binary is a term that barely existed in the public sphere a decade ago. It is an idea, however, which long predates the English language. There are Sumerian tablets and Egyptian hieroglyphs which refer to non-binary genders.

Sadly, this means our language doesn’t really have the capacity to describe the living experience of being non-binary. I think this is a big part of the reason why so many people still misunderstand it. Still, I am forever an optimist – so I thought I would try anyway.

“To be non-binary means nothing more specific than to exist outside of the binary of ‘male’ and ‘female’”

The clue really is in the name. To be non-binary means nothing more specific than to exist outside of the binary of ‘male’ and ‘female’. Frequently the discussion around being non-binary assumes that it means being in between these two ‘opposites’. Not quite one or the other, but on the spectrum. This is really only a fraction of the truth. Being non-binary means existing anywhere that isn’t entirely male or female. It is being outside of the spectrum, in a star, or a circle, or an octagon. If in defining non-binary you are constraining it, you have misunderstood its core, and arguably only, element. There are no rules.

Being non-binary is like being an atheist. You are defined by your absence of a religion, and for someone to ask you if you are more Jewish or more Muslim feels ridiculous, because you are neither of those things. Atheism is not some other religion, there is no collective faith in… anything. Some atheists don’t eat pork, and do celebrate Christmas. The distinction is that they choose these things. There is no external force requiring it of them.

“If being male has masculinity, and being female has femininity, being non-binary has queerness”

There is significance therefore in the fact that non-binary-ness is defined in the negative. There are very few unifying characteristics among all enbies. If being male has masculinity, and being female has femininity, being non-binary has queerness. Truly all that queerness is, and has ever been, is a rejection of any kind of rule, norm, or expectation of your gender and sexuality, and how you present those things.

Non-binary acts as an umbrella term, not a ‘third gender’. There are those who identify with it specifically while many others identify with its rejection of a binary system of gender in their own nuanced way. Trans people are non-binary, but still see themselves as belonging primarily to one of the ‘traditional’ groups. Others identify as agender, meaning they reject the notion of having a gender at all. Some people’s gender is ‘lesbian’, because for a long time this was the language which most clearly allowed them to reject femaleness. Personally, I just like queer. I find it comfortingly ambiguous. It reflects the fact that my own conception of my gender is far from stable, but makes it clear that whoever I am, I belong outside the spectrum.

“It means not preferring any set of pronouns over another. It is wearing skirts, and ‘men’s’ suits, but most commonly, dungarees.”

For me, being non-binary means that I’d rather be called King than Queen, but ideally I’d be a Tsar. It means not preferring any set of pronouns over another. It is wearing skirts, and ‘men’s’ suits, but most commonly, dungarees. For me, being non-binary is freedom from gender. It is freedom to find joy in anything, and to live my life on my own terms.

In spite of this, it is also fear that I will never stop explaining myself. That I am cutting my future off at the knees. It is telling people my pronouns are she/her, because I don’t mind them, and that way I don’t have to give someone an intro to Judith Butler every time I send an email. It is setting up an online dating account, and selecting non-binary from the drop down menu, and then being forced straight back into the binary and asked whether I would like to be shown to people requesting men or women.

This dilemma is very much at the crux of the matter. People know they should support being non-binary, but they have no idea what it really is, so they fail in their ally-ship. This can be seen in corporations trying to benefit from rainbow capitalism, or even Cambridge’s own ‘Girl Talk’. It’s a wonderful magazine, but it is called girl talk. It defines itself in the feminine, and yet advertises itself as being for and by women and non-binary people. In doing this, it basically says we see ‘non-binary’ as ‘woman-lite’. I sympathise with the instinct to, in a patriarchal society, categorise all non cis male identities as other, and therefore belonging together. But we are beyond Simone de Beauvoir, and if you want to create something for women, you don’t need to tag on ‘non-binary’ just to be politically correct.

This is just my opinion. You could ask a thousand non-binary people to write this, and they would all produce something different. That is the joy of it. If you find yourself identifying with some of this, then have a google. Go for a long walk, and have a hot shower, and a deep think (there isn’t anything else to do). If you think this might be you, then welcome, there’s room for us all here. And remember, have fun with it.