I woke up today at 0800 hours (8 hours ago) and had breakfast- I’ve recently built a machine that turns toast back into bread. My housemates said it couldn’t (and shouldn’t) be done, but I was tucking into the business end of a piece of bread this morning so who’s laughing now? I am, but in fairness that’s only because I’m watching you’ve been framed. I walked to lectures on my segway and started thinking out loud (talking) with a friend about how great engineering is. Because it’s all very well writing a book, but when did a book actually change anything? Engineering is bloody useful. Like what do you use to get across water? A bridge. And who builds bridges? Me. Well not me specifically, not yet anyway, but my genre of person.

You can have all your Shakespeares and your other poetwrights, but they’re no use if they can’t get from a to b are they? It’d be no use being Shakespeare and going “ooh, I need to get across that river to buy a pencil case so I can keep my pens/pencils safely in a case,” and then not being able to because there’s no bridge. So he’d drop all his pencils or misplace them, and not have one to hand when a good idea popped into his head. Luckily London Bridge was there in Shakespeare’s day, so he always had the pencils he needed.

Yesterday I had to go to London so I got to have a drive with the vintage carburetor redux engine I’ve ironically (and, in reality, very stupidly,) put into my ford fiesta. 0-60 we’re talking 4 seconds flat, 6 seconds on a slope, and just 1 second if you’re already at 50. The only problem is the engine’s now much bigger than the car itself so I can’t get insurance because officially it is “genuinely very dangerous.”

Wait a second, my mum’s phoning me. “What Mum? No…why? Ok ok. Well, can I call you back in a bit, I’m writing an article.” Ok I’m back. God, I definitely shouldn’t have written that stuff down. Anyway, that was mum with some quite annoying news actually-She’s demanding that I remove the lattice suspension frigate I put on our roof. To be fair, it has crushed the house. I should point out that I’m writing this on a computer I’ve made out of yoghurt. That means I’ll have to type it up on a normal one later, so I hope you appreciate my efforts.