From lost signet rings to a LinkedIn warrior boyfriend, Varsity’s Auntie Emily is here to tackle your most dire dilemmas.

My exams are finished but I’m still waking up at 7am and walking to the library as if in a sleepwalking trance. How do I fix this?

Step one, find some grass. It can be any grass, from a park, to a college lawn, though I strongly recommend real grass as opposed to astroturf. Step two, touch it. This is the most important step.

The library is too cold and I want to be fashionable - how do I do it?

As a great philosopher once said, “a hoe never gets cold”, which is exactly why so many of us loser Cantab virgins are so chilly whilst tapping away in the Seeley at our latest essay on niche philosopher/niche text/something else niche. I’m assuming here that you want to stay warm and functional whilst also maintaining the perfect amount of Sidge Girlie quirkiness: so may I suggest a suit of armour? It’s esoteric, warm, and gives off the right amount of threatening energy that is sure to garner you some crushbridges. I’ve heard crusader chic is all the rage…

My boyfriend has just broken up with me and we were planning on going to Magdalene May Ball together, so I’ve bought all the white tie! What do I do?

Whilst this is very sad, as all StudyTubers who don’t get into Oxbridge say, “rejection is redirection”. You have to start planning the long game here. Fake your death dramatically. Then, turn up to the ball with flour on your face and hide behind bushes in your white tie regalia. Throw in some withering glares and make some groaning noises. Truly and utterly haunt this man so hard that he’s unable to enjoy whichever D-list singer is onstage that evening. Taylor Swift(’s tribute act) would be proud.

One of my friends matched with another friend’s library crush on hinge. How do I solve this?

To be fair, your friends are probably crushing on a guy called Hugo who looks like a consumptive Victorian orphan and has a crippling nic addiction, so it’s not really worth fighting over. However, we all live for drama, so I’d suggest spreading some nefarious lies to the both of them in order to arrange a sundown dual a la The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. The winner gets the prize of a sickly man with curtains, which when you put it down in words, is a bit of a shit prize, really. But hey, at least you’ll be entertained!

I have a crush on my supervisor - should I ask them out?

Please stop watching Pretty Little Liars, I’m begging.

Help! I secretly applied for the same grad job as my LinkedIn warrior boyfriend, but I got it and he didn’t. How do I break the news to him?

Nothing - and I mean nothing - says tactful and sympathetic like a surprise celebration party made for yourself. I’m talking balloons, confetti, clowns. He’ll stop being sad and start celebrating your wonderful girlbossery in no time! [note: Varsity takes no responsibility for the breakdown of your relationship]

I’m a rower and I’m scared of ducks and other rowers - what do I do?

Your first grave mistake is being a rower. No wonder you’re surrounded by river-hogging, soulless animals - and that’s just the rowers. There’s two clear solutions here: either you engage in some good old fashioned exposure therapy by fitting yourself into some foot-smelling lycra and throwing yourself into the Cam at 6am, or you do a new, less diabolical sport, like tiddlywinks or ultimate frisbee. That is, if you can deal with the fact that you might have to find an actual personality outside of bumps talk.

I lost my signet ring at CUCA and want it back before some scallywag nicks it and flogs it on ticketbridge for an upmarket price. What should I do?

Cope. Or, in your case, coke.