Deary me, I thought I was going to see Paul Daniels last night. Instead, No Magic is a sort of physical theatre thing with a lot of dance, poetry, visual set-pieces, simulated sex acts and a giant spider. Boy, was there egg on my face! No Magic is written and directed by, and stars, in its lead role, Max Barton. Ego – oh wait, sorry, that should read ergo – ergo it may sound a little bit like an episode of The Max Barton Show. Actually though, it’s not all his fault; No Magic was meant to have another chap in one of the roles, but he broke his elbow in rehearsal so Barton had to step in... and take, not his part, but the main part. No one saw Barton putting an extra coat of wax on the floor that day, did they?

Anyway, No Magic is the story of a chap called Harry, who is a rather unhappy kid because, as far as I can tell, the world isn’t enough like it is in the Harry Potter books. God, the depravity. Harry grows up and becomes a rather unhappy adult, until he earns a place at "the world’s best university" – and no, I’m not going to say "agreed universally" after it, because they used that dodgy bloody couplet as a motif so many times last night, there were several points when I actually wished I had tinnitus.

At university, Harry befriends two guys, Gabriel and Rich, and starts, in tandem with all the other male characters, a rather steamy affair with the local nymphette. Known only as "The Spider", a vamp who catches her victims in her silken web, Abi Bennet’s job was to pout around the stage and look pretty. Saying that, I’m not exactly sure the role stretched Bennet’s acting talents; the characterisation was so one-dimensional it was a problem to natural science.

Sadly, both of Harry’s parents die, and he soon starts to tire of clubbing with his friends and his carnal activities. In fact, he starts to become a bit of a guitar-playing recluse.

It’s only when the mysterious Edward Catcher, who looks like Harry – but also doesn’t look anything like Harry – starts stalking the university and committing the odd act of ultraviolence that all hell breaks loose. Now, do you think you can tell what’s going to happen? Because I, for one, had a hunch.

Okay, so the plot of No Magic is a tad predictable, and the verse could benefit from a little bit of redrafting here and there, but there was a fair bit to commend. For one, it often looked stunning - not just good, but stunning. The set was backed with what looked like three upturned, lycra trampolines and when characters cast ghostly impressions on their reverse, the effect was genuinely awesome. Some physical tableau work was impressive too, as was the giant spider the ensemble made.

As a visual spectacle No Magic was, no doubt, absolutely buzzing with interesting ideas. However, with a script that was mired in cliché and lacked any sort of emotional maturity, it was always going to be an uneven night. Allakhazam.