If you google ‘watching England’, the first suggestion is ‘....like watching paint dry.’ For anyone who saw England play Slovakia, you’ll probably be applauding Google for their accuracy.

The football was boring. Gareth Southgate was boring. The 'Wayne Rooney Saga' was boring. Everything was boring, except maybe for Ian Wright’s own palpable sense of boredom in the ITV studio. To be fair, a draw away at Slovenia is not a disastrous result, especially given that the ‘Big Sam’s Big Bungs and Big Laughs Roadshow’ has only just rolled out of town.  

In order to overcome the sense of impending doom, I found myself doodling player ratings, which I’ll share with you now:

Player Ratings

Joe Hart – 8. Fans of this column will know that I have a soft spot for Joe, and this performance did him a lot of favours. In a dull and uneventful evening, his spectacular save was the one moment of genuine sporting class. You could say he was 'Head and Shoulders' above the rest...

Kyle Walker – 6. Not his best, not his worst. Good going forward, but performances like this will do nothing to convince doubters who, perhaps justifiably, see Nathaniel Clyne as a better defensive option.

Gary Cahill – 4. The less said about this performance, the better. Gary Cahill is starting to go, and everyone knows it. He had a good innings as an England international but, in the last year, he has looked more and more out of his depth.  

Arrivederci, Joe Hart, the reluctant pioneer

John Stones – 7. The future of the English defence, Stones has evidently flourished under the guidance of Pep Guardiola. It has become a cliché to say, but there is something of the Bobby Moore in the way he moves with the ball. A sensationally gifted player, in a serially underperforming team.

Danny Rose – 6. Not his usual self, and was kept busy by the lively running of Roman Bezjak and Josip Iličić. On his day, though, he is England’s most consistent performer and might be worthy on the captain's armband when Rooney retires.

Jordan Henderson – 5. One day, historians will look back at all the crazy events of 2016. There was Trump, there was Brexit, and there were clowns. But one will stand out above all else: Jordan Henderson as captain of the England national football team. It is the sporting equivalent of giving Chico a Grammy.  

Eric Dier – 3. England’s best performer at the Euros struggled on his return from injury. Dier is not a natural midfielder, and his lack of distribution is evident at international level, especially when paired with Jordan Henderson.

Theo Walcott – 3. This was Theo Walcott’s 46th England cap. 46. Caps. For England. Theo Walcott. Yep, me too.

Dele Alli – 7. Isolated and frustrated by the reluctance of his midfield teammates to show for the ball. England’s triumvirate of 2016 managers all seem to agree that Alli is the future of the team, but he needs much more support than he got this weekend.

Jesse Lingard – 6. The Manchester United winger came through the under-21 side under Southgate, and is undoubtedly a decent player. But let’s be honest here; the fact that Jesse Lingard starts for England is an indictment on our national footballing culture. There is no way that a player of this mediocrity should be anywhere near our squad, let alone the starting lineup.

If England won Euro 2016…

Daniel Sturridge – 5. A deeply frustrating night for a player who should offer so much more. At his best, Sturridge is one of the most natural and dangerous No.9s in the world. But this was the Sturridge we have seen all too often in an England shirt – dropping too deep, hogging the ball, and being generally ineffective.

Substitutes

Andros Townsend (62’ mins) – 7.  Showed a refreshing willingness to run with the ball, but Townsend still lacks the composure with the final ball. The winger will benefit from increased playing time at Palace this season but still does not look fit to be an England regular.  

Wayne Rooney (73’ mins) – 6. Well, well, well. The post-Wayne era, so hyped up in our hysterical press, only lasted 73 tedious minutes. As Wayne jogged onto the pitch to reclaim the armband, he could be forgiven for having thought 'see what happens without me.' This young, boring England side are still in need of their talisman and top scorer, as this performance showed.

Marcus Rashford (82’ mins) – N/A. It takes a strange sort of country to hype up an 18-year-old as the ‘Next Big Thing’, and then not even have the guts to play him. But then again, look how it turned out for Theo Walcott...