One minute you’re blissfully putting up fairy lights in your new room. The next, you’re balancing two essays, a dissertation and another club night you feel obligated to go to just because it’s Halloween. Whether you forgot to bring a costume or have been mercilessly peer pressured into a themed formal, this article is for you. Here’s how you can dress to impress with minimal time and no Amazon Prime.
The most strategic Halloween staple is the headband that can reliably be sourced in a caffeine-fueled panic from your local charity shop or supermarket. Match it to whatever monochromatic outfit you have available and enjoy the unearned praise from impressed strangers who benignly assume some level of forethought. Bought a little black dress for winter? Bat ears. White mini dress for summer? Bunny ears. Red suit for formals? Devil horns. You get the idea.
If you have a token person in STEM in your friendship group with a highly borrowable lab coat, how about the all-too-familiar STEM-superiority complex? All you’ll need is a pair of prescription-lens glasses and a print out of last year’s admissions statistics and you’ll be good to go. Other low effort prop ideas include the scary porter (bowler hat), the alumnus (a King Charles cardboard mask), or the silly fresh (college puffer).
Show some love to your home base by theming your costume around your college. You happen to have a gold dress and gold eyeshadow and now you’re the Corpus Clock. If you have a white T shirt you can splatter ink over, you’ve transformed into the Typewriter. Grey pyjamas? The Cripps Building. Some special FX makeup to mimic bug bites? A scabies victim at Selwyn. Alternatively, just dig through the second hand stash in the British Heart Foundation and dress as your rival college.
"Bought a little black dress for winter? Bat ears. White mini dress for summer? Bunny ears. Red suit for formals? Devil horns"
A uni friendship isn’t official until it’s inaugurated by a Halloweeen duo attempt.The painted smile and green hair of a Joker costume doesn’t need its Harley Quinn, and the Mario you’ve spotted in Revs isn’t always followed by a stray Luigi. But there are some pairings that just have to go together in Cambridge. The bright-eyed fresher can’t step two feet into this city without being accompanied by an older figure that has exhausted all of the romantic opportunities in their own year and moved onto new, unsuspecting prey. Your friend should take one for the team and don the shark onesie (or head piece if they’re not ready to fully commit to this unflattering role) while you channel a Britney ‘Baby One More Time’ sort of naivety.
If forcing your friend to dress as a shark is proving difficult, a less incriminating option is the careless cyclist and tourist that has been run over. As someone who has witnessed this collision on many occasions, I can attest that some lycra, a helmet, a backpack that is worn on the front and fake blood is enough to conjure some Cambridge-specific horror. And finally, the BNOC, head to toe in the drip that is college stash, just isn’t complete without a ‘Top Commenter on Camfess’ label plastered to your friend’s chest.
"If your Halloween evening follows its expected trajectory then no one will remember your lazily constructed costume anyway"
If dressing up at all feels like too much of an ask this close to week five, try coming as your 4am essay crisis. This one doesn’t need much prep. Just scrunch up some Simone de Beauvoir quotes, stick them to a jumper and voilà, you’ve come as a hastily pulled together undergrad essay. Truly terrifying stuff. Bonus points if the jumper hasn’t been washed in three weeks and you’re clutching a can of Monster like it’s life support.
Realistically, if your Halloween evening follows its expected trajectory then no one will remember your lazily constructed costume anyway. Half its components will like end up strewn across the Revs floor, never to see the light of day again. Stay safe, and remember that nothing will be scarier than waking up for your 9am the next day…
