The news that infants will be arriving in Michaelmas broke last week when posts on the Instagram account ‘Cambridgebabies2022’ were discovered, quickly raising concerns.

Classics student Peter gave a particularly raw, emotional testament to Varsity: “I’ve always been the youngest and most special. My supervisors said so. Mummy and Daddy too. Now I feel forgotten.”

On Monday, Graham Virgog — an English graduate who enjoys role-playing as the senior pro-vice chancellor — finally commented on the situation.

“The University is committed to promoting diversity. As part of this endeavour we have decided to expand our intake to those born in 2004. But, rest assured, our commitment to academic excellence remains: these are rich, privately educated, A* babies.”

Virgog has since received a social mobility award for his efforts. But not everyone is equally happy.

Early exposure to A* children is significantly associated with responsible sexual practices

In a series of tweets on Tuesday night, Vincent — President of the Cambridge Conservative Gentlemen Association — criticised Virgog. One tweet reads: “It’s a SLIPPERY SLOPE. They are letting kids born in 2004 now, but what about next year? Undergraduates born in 2005??? #LETKIDSBEKIDS”

Aspiring academics have also expressed concern, among them Hannah, a second-year PBS student. Drawing upon research on her brother Matthew — an incoming Econ fresher — Hannah points out that A* babies cannot understand even basic PBS course material, are “extremely annoying” and exhibit “smugness over future earnings”.

“Letting Matthew in will damage Cambridge’s reputation as a world-leading institution,” she explains to Varsity.

Despite these worries, societies are already making preparations. Notably, the Cambridge Union told members in an email that “although our institution is uniquely well-equipped to integrate toddlers, changes will be necessary.” Indeed, top secret Union WhatsApp messages, seen by Varsity, reveal plans to convert the main chamber into a sandpit and introduce weekly potty training workshops.

Varsity has reached out to the Union for comment.

Meanwhile, speculations diverge over why babies are being admitted.

A widely shared tweet by ‘daddyToope69’ argues that it reflects a patriarchal and nationalistic mission to impose the nuclear family.

In the most liked tweet to date, ‘daiusnutz’ suggests that the change is part of a broader campaign by the University to encourage the use of birth control methods. In particular, daiusnutz points to studies demonstrating a link between exposure to A* children and responsible sexual practices.

However, when cornered by Varsity and asked about this theory, Ryan — a third-year mathmo — explained that he did not find it logical, adding: “Copulation is not a pressing issue for me.”

Before going to press, Varsity also contacted freshers to see if they were capable of speech. Only one has replied so far.

Plato, an incoming Philosophy student at King’s, said: “When men speak ill of thee, live so as nobody may believe them.”