Irony is dead

The Satire team has had a crisis of faith after discovering that the Quantitative Environmental Sciences supervisions are now to be held at the BP Institute. For any freshers who get lost it’s on Greenwashing Avenue, just past the Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill Conference Room and opposite the “BP’s net zero targets are a sham” laboratory. If you reach the “fossil fuel companies covered up global warming for decades” offices you’ve gone too far.

Sidgwick fashion takes a hit after last week’s downpour

Varsity’s resident fashion expert commented: “We’ve seen a lot of irreparable damage done to ecological cotton tote bags and flares, not to mention the unprecedented suede shoes casualties. Dark times are coming.” Indeed, a general slump in fashionableness is feared as more rain is predicted to arrive in Cambridge, and there have already been shocking reports of students showing up to Sidge in skinny jeans and a backpacks.

Varsity Satire writers on hiatus for harvest season

“Their keen eye for low hanging fruit could be of great use to the nation’s struggling orchards,” editor announces.

Students ‘baffled’ by bizarre phenomenon

Students were left dumbfounded on Sunday as hundreds of townies partook in a “fun run”. This, apparently local, tradition involves willingly running over a distance of 10,000 metres, for enjoyment (surely this can’t be right —Editor). We spoke to one baffled land economy student who said: “I don’t understand it, I can’t even be bothered to walk to my one lecture a fortnight.”

New Selwyn president, RON, to stand down after problematic tweets emerge

Last week saw an historic victory for underdog “RON” in the race to be JCR president of Selwyn. However, since RON’s landslide victory a record of a problematic past has surfaced, causing the new leader to resign in disgrace. “I truly believed in RON,” said one tearful student, “all the other candidates are sh*t.”

Union dispute causes headache for Trinity

Trinity College was picketed recently due to its ownership of Trinity Terminal, the largest container facility at Felixstowe Port. Despite the port operator CK Hutchinson (registered in the Cayman Islands) raking in a whopping £79 million in profit last year, they were only able to offer its workers a pay deal 3% below current inflation levels. The master of Trinity College agreed to speak to Varsity, but spent the interview obscured by vast piles of cash sitting on his desk. “We are well aware that the College is in a very good place financially,” he said, shovelling hordes of notes into a safe, “but just because we have around £1 billion in assets, doesn’t mean we can start changing the world for the better. We have absolutely nothing to do with businesses like CK Hutchinson, all we do is cash the checks.” He pauses for breath, “Besides, if we only invested in morally sound assets what sort of example would that be for our students?”