Ben Jackson - For

Can a long distance relationship last? The question has at last been resolved. Durex has developed ‘Fundawear’, the vibrating underwear that can be controlled with a flick of your partner’s finger from iPhones around the world. Amazing! Astonishing! Simply made for misuse.

Unfortunately, this pulsating, gyrating, dilating experience is currently unavailable to the public. So we must do without. Like many others, I’m currently buried in a relationship maintained by Skype. This is a largely wretched experience, made worse by the fact that I’m a hardcore long-distancer, separated by land as well the rather large Atlantic Ocean.

It’s hard to avoid thinking about whether this can last. The obvious answer is ‘yes’ - many relationships last a year or more of long-distance. Perhaps the better questions are: can they last in as strong a form? And how?

I sank to seeking guidance from Google. The internet is filled with facile advice: remember why you’re in the relationship, maintain trust by openly expressing your feelings, and rely on the support of close friends. This rhapsody of emptiness almost invariably leaves me in a state of despair. Give me Fundawear. You can keep the support of friends.

Let’s be honest. Between missing the way her concentration-face is the same as her something-terrible-is-happening-face or the way she always falls asleep before I do, there is an enormous mammoth in the room. There will be no sex. No foreplay. No mornings after, no showers together, NO NAKED SATURDAYS.

At the heart of all this lurks a deep fear. Skype can give you the words, but it can’t give you the presence. Fundawear can give you good vibrations, but it can’t give you the sex. Where else might I look for relief? Perhaps counting down the days? Until about the last three, that’s about as exciting as watching a stump decay. Is there nothing that can save us?

I think there is one thing. At the risk of simultaneously sinking to the level of trite advice and belittling the process of plodding through the day-to-day difficulties of a long-distance relationship, one of the most important things is deciding whether or not you really love this person. Long-distance relationships can work, but only once that decision has been made. After that it becomes much like donating an organ: no one likes it, but sometimes you just have to fucking do it. Think of it as donating an indispensable organ to your future self. Sort of.

Finn Brewer - Against

I don’t think that anyone really believes that long distance relationships are ideal. You can now reach your long distance partner through a range of electronic media: texts, chat messages and email give us a feeling of instant intimacy. But this feeling is brief and illusive at best. In my experience long distance relationships, especially those that are web-based, will only worsen the longer that you are away from each other.

All good relationships are based on intimacy. We fall in love with someone because of their gorgeous eyes, because of how they make us laugh, and the je ne sais quoi that makes them like no-one else. Facebook messages are poor replacements for true intimacy. People can hide behind their words online, and it’s also easy to misread a message in the heat of the moment. And we have all had that miserable feeling when someone has not replied to our text all day, regardless of the reason why. These hampered and stilted forms of communication are alienating and potentially damaging to a relationship.

But what about those for who long distance relationships are a fact of life: soldiers, migrants working for their families, and so on? There is something very romantic about the idea of a soldier writing letters to a loved one; the love between a soldier and his wife or girlfriend has probably developed over a long time, and in spite of the possibility of his death.

Skype is another online solution for long distance relationships, but again it gives only a fleeting sense of intimacy: the connection is usually terrible, and I’ve never got through a single call without wanting to hug or hold hands. Relationships need physical face-to-face contact: without it you risk drifting apart and losing what you used to have.

Unlike the migrant worker, who likely has a responsibility to look after his family, we students can choose whether to stay with our far-away partners. And it’s not an easy choice: if we stay with them, we have to make time to call them; when the holidays come around, we have to choose between them, our families, and the work experience we should probably be doing. And if we compromise, and prioritize work and our friends during term time, we risk hurting them, and hurting ourselves too: for what is a lover but a part of you?

Commitment for its own sake is worthless. Don’t turn down the incredible people who may be all around you if your distant love can’t offer you the happiness that you deserve.