Alcoholics are selfish, there’s no denying it. In fact when I was drinking I had no conception of others and how my drinking might be affecting them. This is one of the blind spots of alcoholism, it can seem like an individual disease but in fact it’s anything but. The people around an addict will often suffer as much as the addict themselves.

This week, my friend is visiting Cambridge from the States. Here she tells her story:

As a child I always knew the way things were at home was not normal. On the surface I had everything I could ask for. My parents were married and ran a successful business, we lived in a beautiful house in an affluent part of Manhattan, my two siblings and I went to private school. We even spent our holidays in Europe. Yet underneath all this there was a darker reality, we spent our time walking on eggshells afraid to step on the hidden land mine that would cause the whole façade to explode.

My dad drank. Sometimes so much that he would turn into a different person and do terrible things. One day, when I was 10, as a result of his drinking he spent several months in jail. He quit after that but his addiction continued to affect our family.

When my dad was drinking things were scary. We never knew when he would come home or if he would do something dangerous. But when he quit things continued to be bad. He wasn’t coming home drunk, but he was just as frightening. He had moods where he would be depressed for days and then became full of rage. Any moment of fun was always laced with the fear, “when is he going to switch?” At one point in my early teens I realized I couldn’t open up to him any more, any moment of honesty about his actions would just lead to his crying or a shouting match. I couldn’t take it any more and began to disengage.

During this whole time my mother, the non-drinker, was doing everything she could to keep the family together and to keep up appearances. She managed the business, the home, the children, my father, and anything else that was thrown her way. She covered up for my dad time and again causing me to doubt whether what I felt was really true. Whether what happened at home was felt by anyone else but me.

I grew up strange. The impact of addiction was as crippling as an addiction itself. I had developed coping mechanisms as a kid, ways to manage around my family, and these became parts of my personality. My fear of authority and of angering someone with authority over me, which had been necessary to keep family calm, now made me sheepish and paranoid. I was always afraid that I was about to be fired at work.

I struggled to find my identity, finding it easier to be responsible for other people than myself. When I did try and stand up for myself I would get guilty feelings like I was being selfish or self-centred. Even today I find it easier to try and make others happy than myself.

I became a harsh judge of myself too. I was so used to focusing on what I had done wrong to cause a situation that it became natural for me to continue to see myself as the culprit. This led to very low self-esteem. I still do well academically like I always have, I knew my parents cared about good marks and I thought if I could succeed in that I would feel loved like I hadn’t before. It never worked. Even when I repeatedly got full marks their excitement would wear off quickly.

It got to a point a few years ago where I couldn’t live like that anymore. Thankfully I found help and explanations. You can too. After all I know now there isn’t space in my life for me and another person’s addiction, today I am thankful I can choose the former. 

If you have been affected by any of this story, there are things you can do. Below are a couple of links to groups that helped my friend. Remember if you want it, there is a solution. 

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ 

http://www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk/