“One moves to the left to seek justice” – these evocative and provocative words were uttered at the height of the Iranian Revolution, and they remain potent. But, unlike the revolutionaries in Iran, here in Cambridge one moves to the left to seek attention.

And it has to stop. Now. I’m talking about what I like to call the ‘trust-fund hipsters’ of this fine institution, and at the heart of the problem is the dichotomy between reality and perception: what left-wing politics is about and what people think it is about.

You are not a revolutionary because you refuse to go to Cindies on a Wednesday night. You are not a revolutionary because you’re a vegan who wears friendship bracelets and loves the Woodstock era. You are not Mandela-incarnate because you shop at charity stores. No. You, my friends, are judgemental snobs, and you don’t even realise that you’re doing something very dangerous: blurring the gap between rich and poor, pretending it does not exist. You’re creating the illusion of inclusion and equality, and this only benefits the system that you’d like to think you’re against.

You like a cheeky joint every now and then. You only go to techno nights at the Junction; you like good cheese and vintage. You’re renowned in college for stumbling home after a ‘spiritual’ one night stand at King’s with the art historian you met at the Maypole.

Of course, you don’t engage in lad culture like the straight-edge boys and girls in the drinking societies – your one night stand actually meant something and you even had a glass of elderflower gin together afterwards. This is all well and good. But it doesn’t mean that you’ve shown any commitment to the poor and the downtrodden. They’re not what being on the left is about at all. You’re equating politics and hedonism.

Socialism is not a ‘trend’: it is a virtuous ideology. You can’t buy socialist ideals from a run-down vintage shop; the poncho is not a socialist emblem. But because of you, things have got all mixed up and perception has won out over reality. You can’t be a meat-eating, M&S-shopping, Cindies-loving socialist, allegedly. By pretending to be poor, you are creating the false impression that we don’t live in a world full of privilege. I’m not suggesting you boast about your riches; I’m just begging you not to disingenuously hide it to the point of absurdity.

By turning socialism into a trendy clique, you are alienating those with genuine left-wing dispositions. Fans of red meat and M&S can be socialists. Socialism isn’t just for the edgy.

Socialism is for the good and just. So , ‘trust-fund hipsters’, here’s my message: try to be really liberal for once, and stop dismissing those who don’t live like you.