Nick Griffin (Downing)

I strongly believe that the admissions office at Downing should be held responsible for the crime that is Nick Griffin and should start paying all other colleges reparation payments immediately. The mention of Nick Griffin having been an undergraduate at Cambridge is enough to make me leave hall, crawl into bed and cry – silently wishing I’d applied to Oxford instead. Downing; I send you my sincere gratitude for educating this sin of a man. Nick Griffin is the founder and leader of the British National Party (BNP). I can speak to no end about the party’s views on the holocaust being a hoax, its belief that, “English girls [are groomed] for sex by Muslim populations,” and that homosexuality "is unnatural" and "does not lead to procreation but does lead to moral turpitude and disease" – but I’ll leave it however to the party’s own advertisement campaigns to put you in physical pain. Anyone have a gun I can borrow?

Oscar Browning (King's)

Browning was an undergraduate at King’s College who later went on to become a fellow. He was also Master of Eton College until 1875 when he was dismissed after a major scandal involving homosexuality. We remember Browning best, however, for having been a member of the Apostles, treasurer of the Cambridge Union Society, president of the Cambridge Footlights and founding treasurer of the Cambridge University Liberal Club. The reason we condemn this perfectly decent man, however, is because of his blatant sexism. Oscar Browning considered, “the best woman [to be], intellectually, the inferior of the worst man.” He was also the great nemesis of Virgina Woolf, who accused him of differentiating between content produced by females and that produced by men. In fact Oscar Browning's sexism was such a powerful influence that he dissuaded his generation from seeking to educate women at university level. What a dick. CUSU Women's Campaign, rip him to shreds – you have my blessing.

Anthony Blunt (Trinity)

Anthony Blunt studied both mathematics and modern languages at Trinity College before graduating in 1930 and becoming a fellow of the college in 1932 (those were the days) – he was a prominent member of the Apostles. He was also a member of the, 'Cambridge Five', after his recruitment to the Communist Party by Guy Burgess (also a Trinitarian) in 1934. During the Second World War, Blunt worked for MI5 but spied for the Soviet Union and was responsible for the recruitment of a number of double agents. He was made a knight at the end of the war and the Surveyor of the King’s Art. However, MI5 found evidence that Blunt was indeed a spy for the KGB, but he was given immunity and his identity was kept secret. Upon Margaret Thatcher’s appointment as Prime Minister, however, Blunt’s identity was revealed, ruining his social standing. In other news, Maggie doesn't make our list – she went to Oxford, as Cambridge was just too much for her.

Oliver Cromwell (Sidney Sussex)

If Downing is responsible for producing fascist politicians, King’s for sexist intellectuals and Trinity for educating royalty alongside Soviet spies, then Sidney Sussex gave rise to a man who abolished the monarchy and made himself Lord Protector (essentially a monarch). After his execution of King Charles I, Oliver Cromwell undermined the powers of parliament – those same powers he supposedly championed during the Civil War and turned Britain into a vicious theocracy divided into twelve military districts. He was clearly no fan of Cambridge theatre as he abolished all theatrical productions thus making Cambridge and the rest of the country a pretty miserable place to live in. His Puritanism made him intolerant to other religious groups including Roman Catholics and Anglicans whom he persecuted. His invasion of Ireland resulted in confiscation of Irish land and the persecution and subjugation of Irish men, women and children. 

John Harvard (Emmanuel)

This man is honestly the worst, the absolute worst. After earning his BA and MA from Emmanuel College in 1632 and 1635 respectively. Harvard died in New England and bequeathed half of his fortune to Newtowne College, which went on to become Harvard College, which eventually gave rise to Harvard University. Who the hell does that? Bastard.

Alastair Campbell (Gonville & Caius)

Alistair Campbell began his professional life as a typical MMLer studying French and German, writing essays and graduating with a 2.i. After graduation he developed an interest in journalism and rose quickly through the ranks to become an established journalist forming strong links with the Labour Party. After recovering from alcoholism and depression, Campbell built ties with former Prime Minister Tony Blair and became directly involved in the preparation of the September Dossier, which considered the case for British involvement in a war with Iraq. The September Dossier’s purpose was to investigate whether Iraq had acquired weapons of mass destruction or not – Campbell, however, had given orders for evidence to be fabricated to build the case for weapons of mass destruction. He can therefore be held at least partly responsible for British involvement in the Iraq war and the deaths of thousands of innocent people.