You’ve had the sex survey… now prepare to buckle your belts and tighten your skinny scarves because the results of the Varsity fashion survey are in. “Yes,” I hear you eagerly cry, “that’s definitely just as exciting!” I’m so glad you share my enthusiasm. Without further ado, let’s take a look at the highs and lows of Cambridge’s best and worst dressed.

This first load of results is admittedly rather underwhelming in its predictability, best and worst dressed divided almost perfectly between humanities and STEM. I would like to take a moment to apologise to the biologists by making it clear that the majority of NatSci slander was largely targeted at the male physicists, not you. In the words of one response, however, is it really fair to judge at all when humanities students have so much more free styling time than their STEM counterparts? English unsurprisingly came out on top much to the dismay of MMLers everywhere (sorry guys, it’s now an empirical fact that us Englings do it better). One response suggested that only post-year-abroad MMLers deserve the best-dressed crown so maybe you all just need some time to ‘find yourselves’ first. Although History was also awarded 5% of the best dressed points, it was also suggested that cis male historians didn’t count in this equation, the men specifically receiving votes for the worst dressed list. With their addiction to pretentiously offensive blazers, it’s time for this “corporate drip” to receive the “slander” it deserves.

Despite coming out on top, many a hot-take argued “Sidge is where individuality goes to die”. Where some bemoaned the potential falsity of the Sidgwick stereotype, others critiqued its “edgy” sameness. Vomiting emojis and cutting remarks followed many a negative response to afghan coats and skinny scarves. As one person brutally surmised: “finding random accessories and clothes that don’t match in vintage shops and throwing them all together doesn’t automatically equate to a cool, indie, Sidge ready fit”. Burn.

Although one response specifically commented “not King’s” this attempt to suffocate the inflated egos of these gothic chapel dwellers failed miserably. Somehow Robinson (and not Medwards?!) managed to squeeze itself onto the top 5 list. There’s a chance that as my own college it could have something to do with a potentially biased sample pool… what? This isn’t my A-level geography coursework. I never said it was going to be accurate.

Yes the gays came out on top but that does not excuse the fact that in a frankly horrific feat Sunday Lola’s has clambered its way up this high. In contrast to the pitifully low hype of Wednesday Revs style (including one response just insisting “not Wednesday Revs”) apparently Lola’s has something more interesting in the way of fashion to offer. As someone who has rather embarrassingly yet to set foot inside Lola Lo on a Sunday evening having been very quickly traumatised by the establishment early on in Fresher’s, maybe its stylish reputation could convince me to give it a go.

Okay, yes, the sample bias might have gotten a bit out of control here… Maybe it is theatre that really deserves the top spot. I’m still not sure who managed to weasel the Union so high up the poll but I hope your failed political career will repay you for your sins one day. And as for the people who suggested it was impossible to have any style in the unindividual cults of Cambridge societies – please find some interests. Yes Varsity is my only personality trait but at least I have one.

Like all formal desserts, the formal hall pie (chart) is rather dry and uninspired - though I do fear the small segment of casual clothes wearers. One hot-take was left fuming at the 14.5% who wear black tie to formals insisting “people need to stop overdressing to formals. If I see one more person wearing a whole f*****g dinner suit to formal I’m actually going to cry”. As they point out, formals are not black tie and people should “stick to the f*****g dress code”. And as for anyone wearing a dickie bow, apparently it’s time to “grow up”.

Although I was hoping to discover Cambridge’s BDOC (best dressed on campus) with my super thorough investigative research, alas there was not a high enough frequency of any repeated name to make the award valid. But that’s okay, the real big guns are still in store. Just as divisive as Brexit: is college stash a yay or a nay? Unlike the outcome of the Brexit referendum, however, I can happily announce that the (very small) majority opted to leave college stash once and for all. And my faith in humanity is restored – just about. As for the 49.2% of you who voted in favour of college stash: here’s your friendly reminder that other puffer coats are available.