It was the Grammys on Sunday night. Do you care? Not really. The Grammys have only slightly more relevance to good music than a block of slightly off Roquefort. Take, for example, Taylor Swift, who has been bestowed four Grammys by the Grammy gods. Wikipedia claims the judges are members of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences, but Zeitgeist Tape prefers to think of them as a shadowy war cabinet of recording executives in Hugo Boss, strategising on how best to leech as much money as possible from a dying industry. You can imagine the decision process that led up to Swift’s annunciation as the youngest ever Grammy winner: “Beyoncé?” “She does have the voice…” “Yeah, but can she really sing about being in the bleachers and falling in love with football captains convincingly?” “Good point. Let’s give Beyonce six Grammys and hope Sasha Fierce subsumes her entire ego.”

A few months ago, Swift was better known as the one Kanye West interrupted. Now, West is not among the most amiable people on Earth. This is a man, after all, who wears floor-length chinchilla fur coats and then accuses people of not having “fun” with fashion. However, after seeing Swift perform an excruciating rendition of ‘Rhiannon’ with Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac, we may be forced to admit Kanye was right.

We were led to believe that Swift was a “preternaturally gifted songwriter” (Rolling Stone magazine) or a “hugely talented person” (John Mayer) in the mould of a female Elliot Smith. Or even a second-rate Liz Phair. But no. Sample lyric: “Romeo, save me, they try to tell me how to feel / This love is difficult, but it’s real”. Dire Straits this ain’t. But just try telling that to your little sister.

In other showbiz news Simon Cowell, having started with Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’, has moved on to ruining more classic rock songs: this time, R.E.M.’s ‘Everybody Hurts’. Among other notables, the single features Mariah Carey, Cheryl Cole, Susan Boyle, JLS, Miley Cyrus and, uh, Mika. This is the problem with charity singles. For every Take That, there is also a James Blunt: the name in the room that nobody wants to acknowledge. Pity the Joe McElderrys of this world, cursed to play second fiddle to Jon Bon Jovi. You can imagine the phone call: “Hi Joe, listen, Simon really appreciates your talent and he’d like for you to record a charity single. You’ll be singing the line “when the day is long”, except you’ll be harmonising with Mariah. And Michael Bublé. And Mika. It’ll be great.” Has a more random selection of musicians ever existed? In any case, Cowell’s finger puppets are lending their voices for charity Helping Haiti. And Cowell’s producer-in-crime? The Sun.

Now, we’re not one to besmirch any charity effort to help an impoverished country in need, no matter how ill-conceived or celeb-studded, but come on now. The Sun is not exactly synonymous with the word charitable. If any Haitian refugees came over to English soil, with nothing but a tale of tragedy and woe, The Sun would ask two questions: “Are you a key worker?” and “Are you a welfare thief?” before promptly filing a deportation order. It also doesn’t help that the British charity single is going up against its American counterpart, a re-recording of ‘We Are The World’. It clocks in at 75 singers and features everybody from Barbara Streisand to Carlos Santana. It’s like your Auntie Doris’ weekly local parish sing-along going up against the Vienna Boys’ Choir. No matter how hard they try, no matter how many po-faced American rock songs about pain and suffering they cover, British charity singles can never really escape the cheesy whiff of naffness. Here’s the solution: embrace the naff. Get Bill Nighy to cover ABBA with Wallace and Gromit on guest vocals. Send it out with a badly Photoshopped cover of Nighy’s head on the body of David Hasselhoff. If nothing else, somebody might launch a Facebook campaign to propel it to number one.