I was recently reminded of an old friend. A mutual acquaintance brought up the name of someone I hadn’t thought about in quite a while, and despite the new friends and new experiences that I’ve had since the breakdown of our relationship, I was surprised at how unsettled I still was at hearing that person’s name. It soon became clear to me that though the wound was old, I still felt it as sharply as I had in the past and I was left confused, wondering why my emotions were in such disarray. I then started to ponder on the concept of friendships in general and realised that we often do not create the space to deal with friendships when they go wrong. Rather, as I had done, we box up the emotions and ignore them – never fully giving ourselves the time to heal as we deserve.

I often find that romantic relationships are the main topic of conversation anywhere. Whether it’s a Twitter thread about the politics of beauty preferences or the radio shoving love song after love song down our throats, it is quite obvious that as a society we are obsessed with hearing and talking about love. This is quite natural and is by no means wrong, I’ve just noticed that romantic relationships seem to take precedence as a topic of conversation. As someone who has never felt the joy, or the shattering heartbreak of being in love, I have instead focused on growing my friendships and I am blessed to say that I have lived to see the healthy fruits of this intention.

“Society is ill-equipped to deal with friendship breakups, despite its ease in obsessing over romantic relationships and how to handle them when those come to an end”

However, this has not been the case for all of my friendships, but not from a lack of trying. Sometimes, you can give it your best shot until there is nothing left for you to offer or sacrifice and simply, sometimes distance or time may not be on your side. Yet, it seems as though society is ill-equipped to deal with friendship breakups, despite its ease in obsessing over romantic relationships and how to handle them when those come to an end.

I think this is part of the reason why I found the end of that friendship so difficult, and why I still do. All of the advice the internet or society gives about getting over a breakup seems useless when applied to friendships – eating a tub of cookie dough ice cream and watching a rom-com or taking a relaxing bubble bath seems pointless when your friend, who you thought you would have forever, has left such a massive hole in your life – a hole you never expected to have to fill. Perhaps I’m a pessimist, but with romantic relationships, I’ve often accepted that they can be futile as at some point, they could end. Whether that be from meeting new people or simply growing out of it, the prospect of an end in sight is always possible. But I never expected that my chosen family, the people I carefully picked to contribute to who I am and who I’m becoming, could ever leave or eternally drift away. This also isn’t helped by phrases I grew up hearing like ‘friends for life’ or ‘sisters before misters’ – they all naively suggested to me that friendships were forever and that despite life’s imminent difficulties, they would never completely end.

Despite it being about over 2 years since the end of my friendship, I have recently decided that it was okay to still be healing from it, that there is no deadline or finish line. Unlike for romantic relationships, though there isn’t an array of friendship breakup songs to queue up on Spotify or picture-perfect friendships in movies or television which I could aspire to have, I decided to create my own therapeutic plan with no expectations.

“I’ve had the opportunity to experience life with another, and that is never a waste”

I’ve decided that it’s okay to miss them, though it’s been a few years, I’ve accepted the fact that I will always hold a special place for them in my life because at one time, they were my go-to for everything and they shaped a big part of who I am today. It’s okay to mourn what we had and also what we will never have. I still think about the great experiences we shared, but I also lament over the upcoming phases of life which I won’t get to participate in with them such as a wedding or a great job offer. It’s also okay to still be mad or angry, I just won’t allow it to consume me and I choose to love them from afar instead.

As I’m coming up to my 21st birthday, I realise that I still have a lot of life yet to live and that I unfortunately do not know everything. However, looking back on my measly 20 years, I’ve learnt a lot, and sometimes even cringe at the lessons I’ve experienced but at the same time, I recognise that they’re only going to increase year on year. Yet, despite often squirming at some of my past experiences, there have been many revelations which I’m sure I will keep returning to for the rest of my life. One of them is that I’ve begun to acknowledge the complexity that comes with having meaningful friendships and relationships. Although I receive a lot of joy from them, sometimes they may not be built to last forever, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve failed – rather, I’ve had the opportunity to experience life with another, and that is never a waste.