If you had told me a year ago that I would still be stuck at home while studying at the University of Zoom: Cambridge edition, I would have most likely laughed and said “not on my watch”.

When I envisioned what my first year would be like, I imagined it to be a time of making new friends, going on nights out and developing my own personality more. It seems that the opposite has happened. Over the past year, I have become more reclusive; I feel more content being in “hermit mode” mainly because social anxiety is seemingly rife within me. I tend to fall into bouts of sadness as a result of my new behaviour, thus launching me into a never-ending spiral of negativity.

“The sense of loneliness that one feels when at the dead of night when the whole world is asleep”

Furthermore, while everyone is now familiar with the idea of communicating with people over a screen, not everyone is acquainted with the idea of doing this with people from the other side of the world on nearly a daily basis. To some, being an international student having supervisions at odd hours of the day and so physically far away from Cambridge has become the norm. Despite this, this experience most certainly tested my limits.

This Lent term was obviously not ideal; having to adjust to working at night was disorientating to say the least. The first two weeks seemed to be going well, because I was able to somewhat adjust to this newfound arrangement. Perhaps this was attributed to the stress that I started to feel as I already felt behind on supo work, but regardless, I was still able to function somewhat normally. It was this point that it all started to go downhill. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation, or the sense of loneliness that one feels when at the dead of night when the whole world is asleep, but my mood seemed to fluctuate between two emotions: apathy and anxiety.

It seemed that there was finally some light at the end of the tunnel towards Easter term. I was lucky enough to have been vaccinated back in March as I was an overseas student; the moment that I was allowed, I jumped at the opportunity. But once again, it seemed that there were obstacles in my way. The prospect of doing a three week hotel quarantine upon arriving back in Hong Kong was enough to deter me from going back. I did it once before and I vowed to never do it again, for the sake of my sanity. When I realised that this meant that I had to stay at home for Easter term, when everyone else was allowed back, a feeling of dread and sadness seeped in; I felt I was missing out on the university experience that everyone claims to be the best years of their life.

“This opportunity was a way for me to both literally and figuratively return to my roots”

Despite this, it was rewarding to be able to stay with family for so long. For most of my secondary school life, I was abroad. I never really got to stay at home and spend quality time with family. This opportunity was a way for me to both literally and figuratively return to my roots. While family members can drive you insane at times, it was reassuring to know that despite the tough times, I had people who believed in me and people who could somehow put up with my mood-swings.

It seemed that the changes in my life extended beyond having to attend university online. Things were also changing in the place I call home. The political situation in Hong Kong became even more polarising and volatile, sending chills down my spine. My anxiety had most certainly increased as everyday I feared that I was somehow going to say the wrong thing that happens to tread across the extremely thin and undefined metaphorical line set out by the National Security Law.

In some sense, I know it is absurd to be so afraid. After all, I am a law student studying in the UK, so I will never have to comment on the Hong Kong legal system. This distance means that I most certainly would not be making any explicit statements criticising the law in my essays or course in general, thus meaning that there is no way that I can be accused of something I never did. I try to tell myself these things to reassure myself, to calm my nerves. However, it seems that increasingly things are getting more and more bleak. For the time being, it seems that the only thing I can do is be extremely careful of what I say. While this is not ideal, it seems that this will be the sad reality of a lot of us living here.

Although this year has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, I am making more of an effort to be more positive. I am hopeful that Michaelmas term will be better; I hope to be able to meet new people and settle into Cambridge more. For once, it feels as though there is finally some light at the end of the tunnel.