Dear Varsity,

The island is under siege. While a once-dormant barracuda (think gargantuan, scowling piranha with a penchant for human flesh) terrorises the turquoise waters of Guadeloupe’s beaches, the country’s indigenous venomous millipede community is also mobilising its troops. Only yesterday, as I was sipping my p’tit punch du rhum, enjoying the jubilant cacophony of musical frogs during the downpour that the locals reassuringly referred to as ‘un petit cyclone’, a new friend suddenly threw himself at my feet and started hacking at the red squirming mass on the floor with the first object to hand. Turns out that an expertly deployed size8 Birkenstock is a decent counter-millipede implement, although not quite as effective as the scissors that finished off the second multi-legged assailant whose poison had already rendered my friend’s arm limp and distinctly blue...

An impressive selection of unidentifiable crustaceans was also found whist cleaning my new apartment in preparation for moving in tomorrow, although there are many housing-related issues that need to be dealt with before insect battles become first priority. The lack of internet, for example (hence me writing now in the middle of the night in this Wifi-blessed house to ensure it gets sent before Varsity’s timezone-hostile deadline tomorrow). Or indeed the fact that the place is as yet entirely unfurnished. In an attempt to remedy this last one I’ve taken to demanding undeserved favours from my new colleagues, and have been pleasantly surprised by the eclectic selection of kitchen tools and glasses that they’ve been benevolently sending my way. In fact, I recently turned up to one lesson (a lesson that somehow became centred upon the example sentence of mine ‘Eat the pig, don’t hit the pig!’ which, I thought, nicely combined practice of both the imperative mood and general pronunciation...) clutching a decrepit plastic bag of bequeathed teaspoons, which elicited a certain amount of intrigue among my students. A perfect opportunity to open my plight out to a wider audience, I reasoned. So there now exists a sort of illicit crockery trade at my school between myself and countless fork-bestowing children. I wonder if they’ll be as forthcoming with shelving...

Haxie x