As the hallowed halls of our university (and by extension the Revs dance floor) are once again flooded by flocks of hopeful fresh meat, anxious to make an impression, I decided to poke around in the Varsity archives and investigate the news-worthy behaviour of reckless 21st century first years. Based on my research, it is apparent that the freshers of Cambridge seem to be getting no less disorderly and hedonistic during the anarchy of first year. Using my ancient wisdom as a survivor of first year, I urge any freshers reading to make the most of your first year at university – whilst being careful not to get yourself into similar scrapes to some of these bygone beginners.

“Clubs and college bars are key habitats for freshers, and their actions in these locations have often culminated in Varsity mentions”

Clubs and college bars are key habitats for freshers, and their actions in these locations have often culminated in Varsity mentions. For instance, a 2022 fresher working as a bouncer “keeping the peace outside Revs” confirmed the terrible dancing skills of Cambridge students in a Varsity interview, recounting a dance routine made up of “purely elbows” which led to a girl getting hit in the face. Given my experience last year, I have to assume there will not even be enough space to move your arms in Revs during freshers week, although, in case there is a gap in the crowd, a quick rehearsal before going out wouldn’t do any harm.

Up the hill at Girton College, a 2006 Greek-themed freshers week ent spiralled into a temporary prohibition with the senior tutor closing the college bar and cancelling the final freshers week ent. He declared that “the level of drunkenness and alcohol-induced damage occurring in the last two days is totally unacceptable”. However, many students were confused and angered by the college’s decision given that the only reported damage was a “spilt bottle of red wine over several items of furniture” (for which the culprit agreed to pay). A second year remarked that this was “grossly unfair to the freshers”.

Other drunken fresher antics were reported in October 2013 when the anonymous “Cambridge Spy” revealed the existence of an annual drag competition at one unspecified college where “fresher boys are plied with alcohol and photos are banned lest they fall into the Daily Mail’s hands…”.

Unfortunately, in 2022 a Cambridge fresher did make it into mainstream media when a drinking society initiation went wrong with a “fresher on fire”. Varsity reported that a Clare College first year was “basically immobilised” and hospitalised after being “tasked with the challenge of putting out a lit toilet roll tucked into his shorts by running into the wind”.

Freshers and fire also crossed paths in 2016 when a Sidney Sussex fresher was accidentally set alight on Caesarian Sunday whilst dressed in cotton wool for a drinking society initiation. Having just completed a year as a Clare fresher, I am relieved to announce that I avoided this fiery fate, and I would advise any readers to follow this lead.