So, you’ve finally waved goodbye to your parents after myriad empty promises to call regularly, eat something other than chips, and to actually do some work. You slump down on your bed. Free. And alone. 

Excluding the forced-fun of the compulsory “ice-breakers”, there is nothing else scheduled for tonight. All the club nights seem to be midweek – but it’s Saturday, and you’re in a new town. How are you meant to know that Saturday is “Library Day” and Saturday Night is “Townie Night” to everyone but the freshers? So, you and your New Best Friends head out into the night. You wander the narrow streets for half an hour in search of the fabled nirvanas of Fez and Lola Lo. When you fi nally chance upon the 2hr long queue for “Ballare”, you all head home for a cuppa and a ‘bonding session’.

Lesson learned #1: You shall never go out on a Saturday night again. Time for the Freshers’ Fair. You fight your way through the hordes, following the completely inaccurate map, and doing your best to avoid any political societies. You stop briefly at the Autonomous Underwater Vehicle Society, linger hopefully around the Polo Club, and nab free samples from the Chocolate Society. Before you know it, you’ve signed up to five different sports teams, volunteered to do the accounts for the Tea Society, and uncovered a newfound desire to join the Gilbert and Sullivan Society. 

Lesson learned #2: You will never bother to unsubscribe from email lists. So don’t sign up unless you really do care about endless ‘banter’ about lost socks, policy meetings and AGMs. It’s 8am, and you are seriously regretting drinking the college bar out of tequila last night: today, your course starts. You wobble off to the faculty library to get the books you need for your first essay, wishing you had paid more attention in the library induction, only to find that someone else got there first, and you now have to trek somewhere else to f nd the books you need.

Lesson learned #3: People will do anything to get the books first. So you will have to play them at their own game. This means war. Library war. Freshers’ Week draws to a close, the Flu sets in and you begin to realise how small Cambridge really is. You’ve already bumped into Monday’s “Bad Decision” twice in Sainsbury’s, and have realised that Wednesday’s “Cindies Guy” is on your course. And, as you avoid their eyes when you pass in the corridor outside lectures, you learn the final Important Lesson.

Lesson learned #4: What happens in Freshers’ Week doesn’t stay in Freshers’ Week. Even if you manage to keep your secrets during a year’s worth of Never Have I Ever, news travels fast, and you’ll probably end up writing about it in a student newspaper column anyway.