It's already Week 2. I am scared. I'm sure you are too. Best take your mind off it.

1. Can you understand the Great Danes?

It’s difficult to think ill of the Scandinavians. Whether in Skellefteå, Espoo, Aalborg or Å, the glories of social democracy and ice hotels mean life is good up north. However, I'm growing somewhat concerned there is a certain complacency there. In a position of privilege, some would say they should prioritise the eradication of disease and poverty. Which makes the announcement by Malmö’s Nordic Society for Invention and Discovery that their team has finally cracked the riddle and can convert dog woofs into words somewhat odd.

Now the moralising’s over, let’s get excited. The innovation means that, with the purchase of a ‘No More Woofs’ headset, your dog’s thought patterns can be distinguished and coded into short sentences. But buyer beware: the example sentences provided by the website (‘"Who is that woman, she looks nice!" and “I’m hungry – but I don’t like this!”) may well show that your dog’s not the best friend you’d hoped for.

2. Cat of the week

3. Eurovision watch pt 3: Farewell Yelizaveta 

My attempts to report on Italy’s Eurovision hopes this week were thwarted by RAI’s decision to choose a very good singer (Emma Marrone) and a pretty cool song, robbing me of my chance to say sarcastic things.

In sadder news, the oldest member of Eurovision Ultra-Legends Buranovskiye Babushki (The Russian Grannies), Yelizaveta Zarbatova, died this month. The Udmurtian ethno-pop band burst onto the Russian music scene in 2010 with their takes on classic hits Let it Be and Hotel California. They also made an unsuccessful attempt to represent Russia at Eurovision with their rather catchy Very Long Birch Bark and How to Turn it Into a Turban. 

Luckily they were undeterred and returned two years later, scorching the Baku music scene with a song about kneading bread and making sure they’d brought the cat in, all the while flanked on stage with a giant rotating oven. Hats off to that.

4. LGBT+ of the week: Casting the first stone

Let's get a bit more serious for a moment (sorry). A stone was slung against bigotry in Shreveport, Louisiana, this week, where efforts had been made to repeal a recently-passed LGBT protection law. Arguing against Councilman Ron Webb’s desire to protect Christian values, Pamela Raintree had a particularly profound argument. She read out Leviticus, offered the councilman a rock, and invited him to stone her to death. Magic.

5. Keeping the heart rate under control

The internet has been alive this week with a new generation of sex-toys causing scandal and preorders in equal measures. A common theme may well be a certain lack of thinking in the development stage to practicalities of the user.

First came Glance. The app for the soon-to-arrive Google Glass will allow you to see what your partner sees (i.e., you) with the simple instruction “ok glass, it’s time”. As helpful as Siri, Glance will also suggest positions and turns off with the verbal instruction “ok glass, pull out”.

As if that wasn’t enough, wakeupvibe.com in the Netherlands are on the cusp of internet viraldom with their vibrator alarm clock. Just plug in before you go to bed and look forward to morning.

The wake-up vibe comes in pink (sweet and sexy, innocence and mischief), purple (eccentric desires) and black (elegance and darkest wishes). 

Finally, a bra that only unhooks for true love (or when your heartrate goes up). You’re now safe from the animal, the technicians and the flashy guy. What happens if it goes off? You’re in love. Accept it...

And finally

If you’re still desperate to keep the essay on hold, why not try and hypnotize yourself.