I met with Sports Team at the Peterborough Dog Tracks, as they refused to meet me anywhere else. I was curious to finally find the source of the “genius” that some have attributed to Homerton’s latest musical venture. We met at dusk, with the yelps of Yalla Yalla, a hotly tipped greyhound, faintly echoing through the tunnels. There was still enough light beneath the East stands to make out the figures of Jerry Cummins, Alex Greenwood, Rob Knaggs, Alex Rice and Henry Young as they nervously anticipated their first official interview. Jerry, with his bucket hat pulled firmly down over his face, seemed to be perpetuating the air of mystery that has dogged the band since its inception. An air of mystery that, even after this revealing interview, will surely continue to beguile and excite fans in equal measure.

Good evening, what are your roles in the band?

Rice: Frontman.
Rob: I play guitar. 
Greenwood: I’m the girl.
Jerry: I’m not a girl. Yet. 
Young: Lead guitar.

Okay. What’s the band name about?

Jerry: Sports and teams. In equal measures.

Greenwood: We lost a relay race once.

Henry: It’s a subtle fuck you to all those who said I’d never break the high jump school record.

Eddy Wax, our pet reviewer, described your sound as ‘semi-aggressive lad rock.’ What do you guys make of this label?

Rice: Yeah sure, we’re aggressive. Sure. Lad rock? No way. No way.

Rob: Eddy Wax’s insistence on using quotation marks makes his work almost unreadable

Greenwood: I think Eddy Wax is a great guy – he can review me any day.

Young: I would have preferred semi-inducing but you have to respect journalistic integrity

Jerry: Mickey – is it okay if I call you that? I really like the way your face looks when you say aggressive.

It’s a great word

Young: IT IS! And it reminded me of someone I met when I was in Bangkok last summer…

Rice: Candy!

Is that the same Candy from your new track ‘Riverside’?

Young: Exactly – some people think she isn’t real.

Greenwood: Some people think we’re not real.

So experiences like meeting Candy in Bangkok, are those the kind of things that influence you?

Greenwood: Weezer

Rob: also Steely Dan?

Rice: I’m inspired by the Home Counties, and the shadow cabinet.

Jerry: Schubert, Katie Hopkins, The North, Gareth Keenan, the proletariat, rugby lads, Gary Rhodes.

Young: I find a lot of inspiration on JSTOR. David Luiz and Luke Chadwick also loom large over my artistic voice.

Okay, well you guys seem to be quite excited coming off the back of a series of successful live performances – do you have any favourite live moments?

Jerry: We once got the vibe a bit wrong when we sung ‘Don’t Touch Me at the Beach’ at the Margate Women’s Institute Fundraiser in 2008.

Young: The manager in The Sports and Social saying we weren't shit. And giving me 20p off a portion of chips.

Rice: Encouraging the audience at a Green Party fundraiser gig to vote for Labour strongman Dan Zeichner was a highlight for sure.

Haven’t you guys only been together a few months?

Greenwood: Rome wasn’t built in a day.

What do you mean by that?

Rice: Curiosity killed the cat

Jerry: … I haven’t seen the cat since

Is that a threat?

Jerry: Yes.

Rob: Mickey, you’re asking too many questions.

Jerry: The real question is, have you ever been to Cuba?

I have been to Cuba.

Jerry: We haven’t been allowed in Cuba since our Central American tour last summer.

Rice: We are all about the revolutionary experience though. What we need in the UK is a centralised economy run by the state. We need to be running… for a start the rail system in favour of a non-profit model… fold, ermm fold.

Jerry: Basically we can’t talk about Cuba.

Rice: Yeah we can’t speak about Cuba.

(Rice puts an open-palm out in front of him somewhat aggressively)

Rob: Right, let’s move on – any questions?

Jerry: Yeah Mickey ask us some more questions.

Rice: We like football. We like cricket.

Okay then. Three of you are in your final year. What’s your plan for when you leave Cambridge?

Jerry: What we’re going to do is we’re going to find out where you live, and we’re going to spend some time in your neighbourhood.

Rice: I’d quite like to be involved in the England cricket selection process. For me, Steven Finn is a real asset to the team.

Which May Balls can people expect to see you at?

Jerry: All of them.

Rice: Absolutely every single one.

Greenwood: Mickey, what May Balls are we going to see you at?

Whichever ones Sports Team’s playing at.

Jerry: Good answer.

Rice: Frankly, as much as I love rock and roll, I would like to be bowling for England’s cricket team. But the one who should be opening up the bowling is Steven Finn.

What have you got in store for Eddy Wax and the other fans at the next POUNDBAND (2.0) on the 5th March?

Rob: I don’t think Eddy Wax liked us very much. He probably won’t be back.

Jerry: We’re in touch with our fireworks wholesaler in Beijing. We have also recently made contact with the ghost of Pablo Escobar via a combination of Ouija Board and divination sticks. That’s all we can reveal at the moment.

Rice: You can also expect an informal discussion of British foreign policy.

Young: Luke Chadwick.

Ricey, I believe you might know more about this than the others. I heard there was an incident at the first POUNDBAND – could you fill us in on the details?

Young: Someone forgot their shin pads.

Rice: (clearly agitated) Rules are rules.

Jerry: If you turn up without a mouth guard, you’re not playing.

Young: Exactly.

(The band calms Rice down by stroking his hair, feeding him party rings and humming the theme tune to ‘My Little Pony’)

Greenwood: What shin guards do you wear?

Umbro all the way.

Greenwood: I’m more of a Sondico fan.

Rice: Are shins really the issue though?

Young: Of course. Shins are very fragile, especially when you factor in knee slides.

Rice: Vote Dan Zeichner.

You can see Sports Team at POUNDBAND 2.0 the University Sports and Social Club on Thursday 5th March at 7.30pm. Other acts include The Bon Rotters, Riley Thorold and Venus Envy.