“It must be more than a polar vortex,” asserts the climate scientist/immunologist of The Asylum’s godawful disaster movie Apocalypse of Ice. No line better encapsulates this genre of low-budget crap, in which there can never be just one catastrophe. In the case of Apocalypse of Ice, an earthquake causes a “polar vortex”, which requires the world’s entire population to migrate to Ecuador. You would think the US government would make a special effort to transport the two scientists with knowledge of the cure (or vaccine – it was never clear) to the deadly virus assailing the world. But no. Instead, they must make the treacherous journey alone, the “cure” (a water bottle containing what look like yellow glow sticks) precariously stowed in a backpack.

“I urge you too not to be deterred by the two-star ratings”

Apocalypse of Ice is but one example. The Asylum – and other production companies geared to quantity over quality – are well-known for such masterpieces, whether that be Sharknado, Nuclear Hurricane or Megapiranha. All are objectively terrible with bad acting, poor visual effects and contrived plots. Yet, for some reason, they have become a staple of our household, with the whole family laughing more than at most comedies.

Few other experiences forge as strong bonds as guffawing over the “shocked” faces of three mediocre actors confronted with a tsunami/earthquake/epidemic. Ok, maybe that’s an exaggeration. But I certainly have treasured memories of watching such drivel and I urge you too not to be deterred by the two-star ratings.

I’m not suggesting you spend all your time watching society nearly collapse in a myriad of different ways. That would surely rot your brain. Good artists deserve your time and money, not the copycats at The Asylum. Not to mention the many ethical questions surrounding low-budget films and how creatives are treated…

“The level of suspending disbelief that these films require precludes any critical thinking”

But, I must admit, it’s nice to have a break sometimes from quality art. With tacky disaster films, there’s no deeper meaning – no need to develop an interesting interpretation or insightful opinion. Indeed, the level of suspending disbelief that these films require precludes any critical thinking. Suddenly, it makes total sense for an entire apocalyptic event to be reduced to a few central characters.

Instead of trying to soak in wisdom, you can revel in unspeakably bad VFX. Apocalypse of Ice offers the pleasure of seeing holes gradually appear in the ice around a polar base while miraculously avoiding the building itself. Effects are rather unavoidable when depicting a natural disaster, meaning you’re sure to get some juicy ones – whether that’s actors unconvincingly writhing about on a green screen as the ground disappears from under them or a snowy scene clearly filmed during summer and overlaid with a blue filter. And, if you don’t even have the budget for that, you can always insert some stock footage of avalanches and hurricanes.

Our beloved Apocalypse of Ice also provides excellent examples of shitty disaster film acting. A significant proportion of the movie consists of actors flailing their arms and swaying from side to side in vehicles. You can also witness two scientists’ intense struggle to traverse an entirely horizontal rockface.

“The writing is clichéd, the plot holes are huge, the locations are limited”

The writing is clichéd, the plot holes are huge, the locations are limited (the characters appear to cross the same forest for two hours). Why would you want to watch such a movie? Because they are absolutely fucking hilarious. That’s why.

Yes, they are predictable (the old man will die; the couple will get back together; the scientist will have been right all along). Yes, every character will possess an extremely useful hidden talent (“I did a minor in climate science,” nonchalantly reveals the immunologist in Apocalypse of Ice). But you will spend an entire two hours laughing and providing live commentary with your friends – and there are few movies you can say that about!

That is not to say there aren’t good disaster movies. Every geography student has been forced to watch The Day After Tomorrow or San Andreas when the teacher has run out of lessons at the end of term, only to find them strangely enjoyable. Yet these are just as predictable as their low-budget counterparts without any of the sheer awfulness that makes them so entertaining; you can predict the plot but you cannot predict just how bad they will get.

I hate The Asylum’s business model. I hate making a company rich from films made in mere months. And yet I keep watching them. So who is to blame?