Deciding whether weekly comics are worthwhile is difficult, and last year’s Batman Eternal certainly had its low points, but it was a generally enjoyable read. So, as the world’s number one Robin fan, I had high hopes for Batman and Robin Eternal.

Carrying on from Batman Eternal, Batman and Robin Eternal is a supposed 'welcome home' to Dick Grayson. The story jumps between his early days as Robin and a case in the current DCU, all following a mysterious figure called ‘Mother’. Bringing together all Robins past and present (Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake and Damian Wayne), Batman and Robin Eternal is a love letter to the Batfamily, 75 years in the making. But, most importantly, it features the return to the DC universe of ex-Batgirl, Cassandra Cain. With Scott Snyder and James Tynion IV as head writers and Genevieve Valentine, Tim Seeley, Steve Orlando, Jackson Lanzing, Collin Kelly and Ed Brisson all contributing, it features some of the biggest and most promising names in comics.

However, after reading Batman and Robin Eternal #3, I’m no longer convinced these people have ever read a Batman comic in their lives. Tim Seeley’s writing in this issue couldn’t be any further from the heartbreakingly beautiful achievement that was Grayson #12, released just a month ago.

Opening with a fight between Red Hood and Cassandra, slowly all the Robins and miscellaneous Gotham-based sidekicks are assembled in the currently defunct Batcave. Their names are all on a hit-list, and they don’t know why. Fine. It’s not the plot that is the problem. It’s the characterisation. And the dialogue. Definitely the dialogue. I don’t know which is worse: Spoiler calling Dick “sexy Batman” or Red Robin suggesting that they win over Cassandra with candy. No one seems to care about secret identities, the Robins have gained a casually affectionate relationship I’ve only ever seen in Fanfiction, and entire characters are defined by a single body part: Jason’s fist, Tim’s brain and Dick’s heart. The only person acting in character is Cassandra – who’s only said one word. Every joke falls flat, every emotional moment is cliche, every plot point is laboured.

The flashback sequences of a young Dick-as-Robin and Batman facing down the Scarecrow would have been the highlight, if not for the horrible purple prose of Dick describing his experience of fear gas. It became a badly written re-write of every Scarecrow story ever. The art is mediocre, with little to complain about but equally little to justifiably praise. Just when it seems Red Hood’s costume couldn’t possibly get any uglier, a truly terrible illustrator comes along and proves that it very much can. Paul Pelletier’s attempt has weird pointy sword things attached to the forearms, and a helmet that opens like Iron Man’s. Jeez.

Look, DC owns my soul. And sidekicks even more so. Batman and Robin Eternal is a series I’m probably going to stick with, even if I don’t want to. But, if you’re looking for Batkids this week, pick up Gotham Academy #11 instead – it has Red Robin in it, and isn’t nearly as painful a read.