My boyfriend and I have been together for three years, but recently I feel our ‘spark’ has gone. I still love him, but there’s no passion between us now - what should I do?

Rosina:

I think that honesty - both with yourself and with your boyfriend - is going to be your most useful tool in dealing with this problem. Take the time to figure out exactly how you’re feeling and ask yourself why that might be. Some questions that might give you some clarity are: what made you notice that the ‘spark’ had gone? How long have you been feeling this way? Is your boyfriend aware of your concerns, does he feel the same? Are you upset by the loss of your passion, or possibly relieved?

“You absolutely shouldn’t stay in a relationship just for the sake of it”

It is perfectly possible that this loss of ‘spark’ may be only temporary; many people in long-term relationships experience small moments of doubt at some point, you’re definitely not alone. Your relationship is clearly both significant and strong: you’ve managed to sustain it for three years, a large proportion of which was consumed by a pandemic. That being said, the fact that it has been good for a long time doesn’t mean that it will always feel right and that you have to cling to it forever. You absolutely shouldn’t stay in a relationship just for the sake of it. The choice is yours: can you breathe life back into your ‘spark’, or is it time for you to move on? Either way requires an honest conversation with your boyfriend, in which you acknowledge that there is a problem, and discuss what it is that you want to do about it.

“Staying together out of habit will not do either of you any good and you have to do what’s right for you”

If you decide that you want to reignite your spark, then a trip down memory lane might be the answer. There’s nothing like a good bit of romantic reminiscing! Revisiting your first meeting, your first date, your first kiss will remind you of the reasons you first fell for each other, and might reinforce why you want to stay together now. However, perhaps the problem is that you’ve fallen into too much of a routine, in which case, delving into the past may not help matters. There may be aspects of each other that you haven’t yet discovered, even after three years, and sharing new experiences might help to reveal them. Whether you’re looking to the past or the future, the important thing is that you’re choosing to make time to be together.

If these attempts to restore your passion don’t work, or if you decide that it’s not possible to revive your ‘spark’, then please don’t feel guilty. Staying together out of habit will not do either of you any good and you have to do what’s right for you. The fact that your relationship has run its course doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a wonderful and fulfilling part of your life. I’m sure that you’ll make the right choice, and whether you and your boyfriend stay together or not, I hope that you both find happiness soon.