Let’s be honest. Real sex is not like sex in Hollywood films. Sex in real life is something else. It’s embarrassing. And if we’re pretending that it’s always going to be like it is in films, then we are just gearing up to be let down.

In films, there is no foreplay, no variety, no mess. Hourglass-shaped woman looks at square-jawed man with her come-to-bed eyes and before you know it, the pair of them are fully naked, doing it on top of the covers, with candles lit and slow jazz playing. Films also give us the expectation that orgasms will happen for both people at the same time, every time. Drumroll. Cymbals. Applause. In real life, orgasms often happen one after the other, with a few minutes of conscious effort in between. Sometimes, orgasms just don’t happen at all. People often have to learn how, and this is something that takes time and practice. It is not just an on/off switch.

“Why are we so embarrassed? Why do we not talk about what it feels like?”

The other thing about Hollywood sex is that it happens everywhere. Not only are orgasms loud and mutual, they can be achieved in any location, at any time. This is also a myth. Shower sex? Slippery. Sex in a park? Itchy. Sex in a toilet cubicle? Not that sexy. I won’t deny that it’s exciting having sex in wild places, in empty fields or under the blankets on a plane over the Atlantic, but it is never as easy or as comfortable as on a flat horizontal surface, especially because, wherever it takes place, it’s never completely mess-free.

For some reason, none of this is ever discussed. We look at the ground. We shuffle our feet. We use elegant euphemisms to avoid the terms that actually refer to what it is that we’re trying to talk about, the points we are trying to make. Lots of young people have lots of sex lots of the time, so why is it so rare that anybody actually shares their real experiences? Why are we so embarrassed? Why do we not talk about what it feels like? And I don’t mean what it feels like, I mean what it is to live it, what it means to have real sex, something distinct from what we see in films. Why are we not sharing the reality of our relationships? Why are we not helping each other, sharing our stories, which are all likely to be equally embarrassing? Why do we feel more vulnerable discussing sex than actually doing it?

“Sometimes, orgasms just don’t happen at all. People often have to learn how, and this is something that takes time and practice”

Let’s talk.

Real sex is messy. Real sex involves trying to quickly peel off tight jeans or failing to undo the clasp of a bra with one hand. Real sex involves the ‘are you on the pill?’ conversation, to ensure there’s no risk of becoming parents earlier than planned. Real sex involves the awkward twenty seconds where one person rips open the little square packet and silently concentrates on putting the condom on the right way. Real sex involves women that are on their period for five out of every 28 days and put down a towel so they don’t bleed all over the bedsheets. Real sex involves dashing to the toilet afterwards to have a wee. Real sex sometimes doesn’t even involve sex, if a guy has had too much to drink and can’t get it up, or if one of the variety of other things that might go wrong does.

How will we ever know that this is what real sex looks like if we never talk about it? My friends and I talk about sex, but only really to the extent that I’ll tell them if a particular person was amazing in bed, or worse, if they were wildly disappointing. I go into the intimate details occasionally, but only if asked. We’re all doing it, we’re all having slip ups and accidents and incidents, so why can’t we talk about it? Why can’t we admit that sex in real life is great, but that it does not always fit the shape we expect it to, that it is great in ways other than what "great" is usually thought to involve? If we communicate properly with each other – particularly with our partners, but also with our friends – our expectations will be managed. Then, we will expect sex to be real sex, not film sex, and we will be more fulfilled. We will know that, actually, we are doing it right. In fact, sex might actually get better, for all of us, and who can argue with that?