In my first year I shared a toilet with seven other freshers. Far from being traumatic, being forced to use a toilet that was only 1/8th mine, and 7/8ths strangers’ ended up giving me the confidence I’d previously lacked when sharing a toilet with only my immediate family. Public toilets are no longer the arena of fire they used to be before I came to uni. I no longer shake with fear when I find myself desperate for the loo miles away from home. When you don’t have an ensuite, every toilet is your ensuite. My mind and body are free. What I lost in not having my own bathroom, I gained through having the opportunity to experience some of the best (and worst) of Cambridge’s facilities. And now, as a result, I can present to you the best and worst of Cambridge’s toilet

Catz plodge toilet

I hate to beat the drum of college nationalism, but the Catz plodge toilet is without a doubt one of the best toilets in the city. It comes fully equipped with foyer and leather armchair, meaning your friends can wait about comfortably and give you the applause you deserve after you emerge from the inner toilet area having done your poo-of-champions. The two lockable door system, with the sink in the foyer area, also means that if you and your willy-wielding friend are both super desperate, you can go in the toilet and your friend can (dare I suggest it) piss down the sink. It’s a toilet for any occasion - if you find yourself on Trumpington Street sometime, I highly suggest you check it out.

Seeley Historical Library toilet

If there is one thing you should know about history students, it’s that their digestive systems are seriously fucked. Those of you who’ve had the misfortune of using these toilets for a break will remember only too well the waft of ponginess that overwhelms you as soon as you descend the stairs into this atrium of poo. Please can someone, anyone, let these historians know that gut health is just as important as (and maybe even more important than) Themes and Sources. If you ever find yourself needing the toilet in Seeley, I suggest you get a grip and hold it in.

Marks and Spencer’s toilet

This toilet is Cambridge’s best kept secret. I found out about it from a friend and honestly, it remains one of the best things she’s ever told me. If you’re not blessed with a room in town, and are bursting for a wee as you stroll about Market Square, the Marks and Spencer toilet is the perfect solution. I bet you never knew that the supermarket has three floors, a restaurant, and toilets. The toilets themselves are super clean (as no one knows they exist), spacious and comfortable. If that’s not enough, perhaps the full length mirrors (perfect for a fit check) will persuade you that these remain some of the best toilets in the city.

Fitz toilets

These are okay - the walls are thick and there are no cubicles, just one single toilet, which should put all you nervous public shitters at ease. One drawback is that the floors are always damp and soggy, and with no coat hook in sight you may be forced to hold your bag on your lap as you relieve yourself, making a pretty pathetic sight. If you ever find yourself needing a poo up on the hill, I suggest strolling over to Medwards for a more hygenic and pleasant experience.

Caius toilets

A big thumbs down for me. This was not the seat of salvation I needed when I got food poisoning at Caius May Ball last year. The common space are cramped, making for an oddly intimate excreting experience. The hand dryers are weirdly powerful and fill the small spaces with their powerful windy bellows. If I could sum up this toilet in one word it would be: ‘intense’ - sadly this is not a descriptor I look for when searching for the ultimate pooping spot.

Junction toilets

Scary place. Terrifying place. Many horrifying memories of the bouncer trying to knock my door down on the search for coke and ket whilst I try to do my humble wee (no doubt having broken the seal). As well as this, the floors always seem to be flooded; there’s never any toilet paper (what toilet paper there is is disgustingly soggy); and the mirrors are fogged to within an inch of their lives. In short, the toilets in this place are a shit show. Still, I’d rather go to Junction than Revs.