Please see this completely objective, unbiased ranking to guide all of your perhaps relatively poor decisions this Easter term.

Absolutely scorching

Espresso Lane Cafe - Everyone who enters this establishment is inexplicably fit. Also the man who works there is really nice.

The University Library cat - Odysseus is unequivocally the only redeeming feature about the UL.

The death of the Corpus Clock - It was quite butters.

The pub - Yes, the heinous six-pounds-a-pint average in the city is enough to make drinking cider on a bench like you’re fifteen cool again, but it’s all about the atmosphere darling. Also, nothing makes the scary thoughts go away quite like a 10% Belgian beer from the Elm Tree.

The Marshall library - She has the je ne sais quois, the max factor, something completely indescribable. She embodies the unlikely but perfect amalgamation of 1960s office and treehouse. Docked a few points for the fact that they knowingly stock the toilets with brown toilet roll. Someone needs to have words.

Very mid

Evening trips to Mainsbury’s - This could honestly go either way, the only guarantee is that you WILL bump into everyone you have ever met/slept with. Not to mention that they have shortened their opening hours, where else will you go to relieve your anxiety whilst browsing in the hummus aisle?

The Seeley Library - Terrible place, horrible panopticon feel. Overrated due to its Sidge Girly™ adjacent coding. Just not that hot, just especially dusty.

Punters - All freakishly carbon copies of each other, where do they find them? Also being accosted by them one more time on my way to Sidge on a Tuesday morning will be my last straw. Although the way they twirl the boards in their hands does leave a lot to the imagination.

Unrealistic Lostbridge posts - Look, we get it, your 2019 Lads on Tour: Budapest bottle opener has HUGE sentimental value, but no one on Jesus Green will have seen it, and if they did, they will not have picked up that abomination. And please, don’t get us started on signet rings.

Christian Union toasties — Yes I want free food. No I don’t want to hear about God. Sorry, but no matter how good your cheese-toasting abilities are, I’m not converting.

Not in a million years, love

Moustaches - This one might offend, but it’s giving half future Deptford gentrifier, and half giving pedo. Not for me.

The tourists blocking Orgasm Bridge - It’s just going to end badly at some point. It is more screaming with exasperation than with pleasure.

‘Riding the Lolacoaster’ - You’re not going to Printworks, you’re in an excessively sticky, Tiki-themed nightclub in East Anglia. Get a grip.

College puffers - I’ve never owned one, which is sadly only fuelling my God complex further.

Student politics promotional Instagrams - The less said about this the better. It’s a little awkward when they have to be deleted due to a failed campaign.

The MASH smoking area - Not a hot take. Burn it to the ground.