As the spookiest of seasons makes its approach, your Lifestyle editors have consulted the stars (no, seriously, we were up on top of King’s Chapel with a telescope and a microphone last night), and have jotted your futures down in their scrappy little notebooks. And with Halloween costume recs to boot! Read ’em and weep, lads.

Aries

Thinking about productivity will only grind you down. Enjoy brunch this week, go hard on the baked beans. With your (and everyone else’s) moon rising (into the sky), you’ll catch 39 winks but someone will disturb you and prevent full rest. Think about asking for extensions on each and every deadline, you’re going to need it.

Go as: bedsheet ghost, blow-up velociraptor, 404 error: costume not found.

Taurus

You’re supposedly loyal and hardworking but it wouldn’t hurt to show up once in a while – your family was really looking forward to your improv-pirate-drag-show (so were we). This week you’re on the path to let people down and that’s poor form from you, as always, Taurus. Finances will align though and your Halloween costume will be hot, so swings and roundabouts.

Go as: Your mum’s ex-boyfriend, a blister plaster, Jake LaMotta from ‘Raging Bull’.

Gemini

Maybe you were wrong about that thing you thought the other day. Maybe that blonde actually hates you. Maybe your supervisor slipped a CUCA leaflet in between the pages of your last essay and the yet-undiscovered Toryism is stinking up your room. Movement is key this week, Gemini, if you don’t move your body you’ll decay.

Go as: … no need for a costume this Hallows’ Eve, you look grim as is.

Cancer

If you had to choose between friendship and ambition it’d always be friendship and for that you’re a gem. But take a step back, you’re not a saint. Nobody asked you to be. Plus, that grad scheme won’t apply for itself.

Go as: A short-changed drugs trial patient, specimen at back of fridge.

Leo

Your moons are all out, baby. This time may not be Leo season but fuck me are you thriving. Don’t drink too much this weekend though, take some time to chill and be humble. We recommend cleansing yourself and a few friends with a bit of Bacchic frenzy on Midsummer Common. Ritual dismemberment encouraged but not compulsory.

Go as: Mermaid Barbie, Francis Abernathy (cringe), late-season Willow from Buffy.

Virgo

Cheeky! Your attitude and sardonic sense of humour often plays to your advantage. People love you! But not everyone. So be nice, yea? This spooky season will haunt you in appropriately stationery-themed ways. Keep a lookout for the ghost of that guy who dressed up as an orange crayon last year and died in mysterious circumstances.

Go as: Velma (hot), the evil purple crayon, James Spader in ‘Stargate’ (1994).

Libra

This week you’re properly fucked. Fucked to the point you think all your mates are government agents employed to make your life a living misery. Your finances are spent and your spirits are weak. Keep an eye on your Nectar card: someone with a keen wit and a strategic mind wants your points, so keep it close.

Go as: … best stay in this year and take a good long look in the mirror; or, Spider-man.

Scorpio

The end of October comes round and you come into your own, Scorpio; hiding your true self behind a mask is not something you save for Halloween. Beware of a Taurus making moves, their horns aren’t as fun to play with as they seem. And don’t spend your college’s bop skulking around in the shadows making eerie caricatures of gangly natscis – sooo last year. Plus, you’re really shit at art.

Go as: Salvador Dali, your best friend’s black trenchcoat, Salem the cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Sagittarius

Let’s face it, Sagittarius, you’re unbearable. My Virgo mate down the pub told me you were talking their ear off about Hegel and Nietzsche for hours last week. Get onto some real thinkers, huh? Ever heard of Bradley Walsh? Don’t get too cosy in the sun, you’re a nocturnal animal, you thirst for blood, etc. etc.

Go as: Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, ketchup stains, Jonathan Harker.

Capricorn

Yeah, fine, whatever. The stars say touch grass, I guess.

Go as: a cow, Snoop Dogg, Coe Fen.

Aquarius

Things are going to get stormy this week, and you might want to butter up those close to you before the clouds burst. Maybe take them to the Botanic Gardens? They planted some stellar trees there recently. Drink water. Don’t drink the water from the pond at the Botanic Gardens; it has ducks in it.

Go as: Lady Godiva, multiple oysters, 20th-century poet John Drinkwater.

Pisces

You smell fishy! Are you up to some funny business (?), because your behaviour is a bit fishy! Fish. Fish fish fish fish fish.

Go as: BoJo, Santa Claus, literary ‘critic’ Stanley Fish.