Spring has (sort of) sprung. Well, at least it seemed like it had when I started writing this horoscope, but now a massive grey cloud has started to creep over and quite frankly it’s ruining my day. Anyway, with the days getting longer and the skies getting (marginally) bluer, you’re probably wondering: what’s in store for me over the next few months? Because we’re headed into Easter term, the answer is probably exams (except for first year Englings. And don’t try and tell me that that single three-hour exam where you stare at poems is real.) But aside from that, or if like this author, you’re currently lying in a filthy room feeling utterly directionless, why not consult the stars (read: this totally legit Varsity horoscope) and see what your future has in stall for you?

(Disclaimer: Varsity does not take responsibility for any situationships texted, stupid haircuts, impromptu trips booked or any other tomfoolery inspired by reading these horoscopes)

Aries: You’re feeling good at the minute (don’t scoff reading this. I don’t care if you’re in the Seeley pulling your hair out, for the purpose of my horoscope, you are feeling good.) And good news! You’re going to carry on feeling good – some really good news is coming your way, in fact. Whether it’s a text from that hot brunette in your lectures that’s always holding a Harvey’s coffee cup, or the fact that your next fried eggs attempt is going to be perfect, prosperity is coming your way. Just try not to get too cocky about it, ok? Like they say, pride cometh before the fall…

Lucky Number: 86

Vibe to channel this spring: Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous, a cat sleeping on a pile of laundry

Taurus: You’ve been feeling stuck in a rut lately. Dissertation getting you down? Bored of your wardrobe? That situationship you’ve recently got yourself into turning out to be stale and dissatisfactory? Whatever the case, you need a severe switch-up. And you’re in luck. Big and exciting changes are coming your way: if you know where to look for them. Stay alert, Taurus, because what you need might turn up in the most unlikely of packages. Watch out for yellow things, left corners, and tall trees. If you ever needed a sign to get trigger-happy with that ‘block’ button on Instagram, then this is it.

Lucky Number: 4

Vibe to channel this spring: Little My from Moomins, Gemma Collins

Gemini: You’re feeling restless and like you really want to try shaking things up. Ignore those urges. Gemini, aside from the pile of mouldy dishes piling up in your room and the 12 ignored DMs, you’re actually doing a lot better than you think you are. Really try and cherish those closest to you, smell the flowers, look at the grass on your side and see that it is actually a very fetching shade of green. Don’t rush into anything silly (especially not that haircut that you were thinking of getting…) Slow and steady wins the race.

Lucky Number: 15

Vibe to channel this spring: Queen Elizabeth I, a very peaceful oak tree

Cancer: You’ve been trying to keep up your corporate icon routine for so long that it’s starting to get you down. Switch off that 6:05am alarm, ignore your Linkedin notifs, and try and reconnect with the world outside of a late-stage capitalist grindset. Anyway, the truest sigma males are always the ones who go wandering in nature and cook overly-elaborate meals in their college gyp rice cookers. Besides, that firm that rejected you last week wouldn’t have been right for you anyway, because your future office-mate would’ve had really bad B.O. That rejection email was the universe saving you from onion-pits over in HR trying to chat to you. Show your gratitude by going on a moonlit walk or something.

Lucky Number: 47

Vibe to channel this spring: Dorothy Wordsworth, Anne Hathaway at the end of The Devil Wears Prada

Leo: You’ve been partying hard, Leo. But now the Lolacoaster has come to a halt, and you’re realising that while you played hard, you worked moderately. Your bank account is in the negatives, and you can’t tell whether that’s a hangover headache or a stress migraine. Take a few days slowly recovering, but after that, try engaging in some good old-fashioned grafting. You’ve never been one for a planner, but if you want to be able to party, you may need to start pencilling in dates. Be wary of the colour orange, Doc Martens, and that person off Hinge. Stick at your boring grindset and you shall prosper.

Lucky number: 69

Vibe to channel this spring: Elle Woods post-breakup, Kim Woodburn

Virgo: You’ve been stuck at a crossroads. To pursue that situationship or not, to take that internship or that other one. The world may be your oyster, but you’re faced with a seafood buffet that’s just too big to tackle. While most people would be green with jealousy at the amount of opportunities coming your way, you’re just green with sickness, and suffering from a serious bit of decision paralysis. Throw away your pros and cons lists, they’re just making you go around in circles. You need to trust your gut here. After all, no one knows you better than yourself. Just think twice about that tattoo you were thinking about getting…

Lucky number: 54

Vibe to channel this spring: Eleanor of Aquitaine, Eartha Kitt

Libra: Everything seems to be going very wrong for you recently. You’ve been facing a slew of rejections, and it seems as though nothing is going your way. Chin up, love, better times are ahead – watch out for an email next Tuesday, because it’s going to change everything. You’ll want to dust off those dancing shoes soon, diva, because your life is going to get a lot more fun.

Lucky number: 76

Vibe to channel this spring: Tiffany “New York” Pollard, one of those dogs that gets carried around in a handbag on the tube

Scorpio: Recently you’ve been doing a hell of a lot of bed rotting. I see you, with your granola bar crumbs in your bed exfoliating your legs, on your third rewatch of The Real Housewives of Cheshire. It’s a really sorry sight, Scorpio, especially seeing as you’re normally such a busybody. Fear not! Dust yourself off (literally, I can see crumbs all over your floor), and get ready for a fortnight of fun. With sun comes new opportunities – say yes to the next thing that comes your way, it’ll probably be the best thing you’ve done in a while (this goes double for going to your nan’s bingo night).

Lucky Number: 45

Vibe to channel this spring: Margery Kempe, your nan’s friend at the bingo

Sagittarius: You’re feeling a bit tense. Fair enough, but can you PLEASE stop bouncing your leg nervously in the English faculty library? It’s really distracting everyone around you. It’s going to be tough, but try not to get into any conflicts, they really aren’t worth it. Try picking up a hobby like basket-weaving or bricklaying to release some of that tension out, rather than picking fights with your flatmates.

Lucky number: 33

Vibe to channel this spring: a slow-moving stream, Lord Byron

Capricorn: Usually, you trust your gut. However, the messages those intestines have been sending your way have been all twisty. You need some clearer guidance; ask your friends for their advice, no matter how small or silly the query may be. You’d be surprised by how opinionated people can be even over things like “do I get garlic mayo with my chips from the Van?” Anyway, treat those around you like your wisest counsellors, and things should be looking a lot more reasonable soon enough.

Lucky number: 29

Vibe to channel this spring: King John post-Magna Carta

Aquarius: You’ve been go-go-go all this time, but now is the time to calm it right down and soak up the chaos of the past few weeks. Yes, that includes the time that you threw up in the Mash toilets, sorry. Take it slow and don’t rush into anything. Take up journaling or something – introspection is all the rage, baby. Oh and that blonde in lectures? It’s probably not going to work out between you, sorry. The dark-haired one who sits next to them though? Now there’s something there, certainly…

Lucky number: 90

Vibe to channel this spring: Emma Woodhouse, Julian of Norwich

Pisces: You’re in the mood for love. Unfortunately, as of late, love hasn’t been in the mood for you. Unless you look closer; romantic love isn’t the only sort of amore around you. Call your mum, invite friends around for dinner – it’s never been better to engage in some platonic love. Even that person you spoke to at a party is ideal coffee-meetup fodder. Just try not to burn yourself out; after all, self-love is just as important (and iPlayer has most of the Wallace and Gromit films online).

Lucky number: 62

Vibe to channel this spring: All of the Sugababes