I would like to preface this article with a warning: please do not be like me. This is a dangerous sport to get involved in and it has taken me many years to get to my current skill level. Do not try this at home.

As a national champion in the sport, procrastination is pretty much my whole life – it’s a full-time job. I dedicate at least 40 hours a week to procrastination to maintain my current skill level. Keeping this level of rigour can be difficult at times but it all pays off once I reach the crisis point — the deadline. There is nothing like the rush of adrenaline you get as you work out how many hours you’ve got left: sat numb at your desk, wired on fear and dread with no one to blame but yourself. It really is the crux of the game.

“I dedicate at least 40 hours a week to procrastination to maintain my current skill level”

In my star-studded sporting career, I have had many standout plays. Though there are many competitors in such a sport who deem themselves legends, it takes something special to get where I am. What makes or breaks an athlete is their commitment, refined skills, and signature flare — all of which I have. Let me talk you through one of my best feats…

It all began with a new Netflix series, multiple unmissable pub trips and two essays. The hardest and arguably most important skill to master is mental scheduling. To leave something till the last minute successfully, you still need to complete it before the deadline. This involves a fair amount of maths. I spend the week reasoning with myself. Realistically, I can take the night off tonight — I’ve still got 3 days. I’ll say yes to this pub trip since I have at least two days to do this essay. If I wake up at 9, then I’ll have all day to do it and that’s plenty of time.

“To leave something till the last minute successfully, you still need to complete it before the deadline”

At 10pm the night before D(eadline)-day the fear kicks in, and I haven’t started any of the essays. With approximately t-minus 9 hours, I leave exactly enough time to read, write and reference while still making it to my 9am. I haul myself to the library with a laptop, a pen, and a fierce determination, ready to lock in for the night.

As the library slowly empties, my essay introduction is finished. It is easy to find the book-filled walls lonely in the early hours of the morning but I have started to find comfort in the silence. Cheered on by the cleaner at 4am, I can see the finish line. One of my top tactics is choosing an additional motivator. My go-to trick is breakfast. As a late riser, breakfast is never usually on the cards for me, so when I feel myself starting to dip, I look up when McDonalds opens. Nothing like a morning meal to help me romanticise my life. At 7am, the email is sent and I’ve come across as a healthy, organised individual to my supervisor. With a quick shower and a double bacon McMuffin, I’m on my way to my lecture with an adrenaline-induced pip in my step. As a true enthusiast of the sport, I am not a coffee drinker. Real procrastinators know pure panic is the best fuel — coffee is such an unhealthy habit…

“Real procrastinators know pure panic is the best fuel — coffee is such an unhealthy habit…”

Big names in the game cannot stop at just one all-nighter. As you may have realised, I mentioned I had two essays due. The second deadline was unfortunately the following morning. In true procrastinator style, I had about six other extracurricular commitments that day. By the time I got home, it was 6pm and I was functioning on autopilot. My mental maths had given me 8 hours to complete the essay, factoring in a break for dinner. In a flurry of delusional, sleep-deprived ramblings, I completed my essay by 2 am and, ironically, it was the best essay I have written this year. It just goes to show how sometimes the best work comes from the dark depths of an exhausted mind. With both essays finished and a banging headache, I spent the following day in bed with an immense sense of pride. It was truly the peak of my procrastination career.

Sleep, I would argue, is at the centre of procrastination. I am a very sleepy girl and as a sleepy girl, I can sleep for days. I think my official record is 20 hours. As such, sleep is my ultimate means of procrastination, so it is fitting that it is also my sacrifice. It makes me who I am — ask my mum, I’ve been this way since the day I was born. I’ve even procrastinated writing this article (sorry editor).

Look, it isn’t healthy, I know, but you can say the same about most extreme sports. If I am honest, I have been meaning to retire but I keep putting it off. Procrastination is in my blood. (In all seriousness, if you are currently procrastinating, stop. Go do your work. It might be too late for me but you still have a chance. You will thank me later…)