May Week is fast approaching, and we all know what that means: day drinking in Grantchester, May Balls with open bars, farewell formals before you leave Cambridge for the summer, and endless debriefs in the sun about the shenanigans of the night before. But the thing with the night before is that there must eventually be the morning after, and with the morning after comes a grizzly, sweaty reality-check: the hangover. Worry not, innocent student. If you can muster the strength to lift your pretty little head out of your toilet bowl long enough to read this article, I’ve got you covered.

STEP ONE: The waking up

If you’re lucky, you’ll wake up with a giggle as you realise that you’re actually still a bit tipsy. If this is you, then feel free to skip to Step Three to make sure you defeat the dreaded 3PM nausea attack. For most of us, though, the moments which immediately follow after you open your eyes are punctuated by cold sweats, a headache, and the unshakeable pit in your stomach which tells you that you did something really, really bad last night.

“If you only take one thing from this guide, let it be this: stay the hell OFF your phone!”

If you only take one thing from this guide, let it be this: stay the hell OFF your phone! The human brain was truly never supposed to consume so much information about the world so soon after switching back on, so save yourself the horror and postpone checking Instagram for now. The last thing you need to see right now is a video of you and your friend croaking your way through ‘Misery Business’ by Paramore at your May Ball’s karaoke… whatever that’s like.

STEP TWO: Tactical chunders aren’t just for getting drunker

We all know tactical chunders as the foolproof, albeit somewhat concerning, method for continuing to drink for as long as possible. But they are surprisingly multi-purpose. The way I see it, you can’t have a hangover if there’s no alcohol left in your stomach to be hungover from, right? (That was a rhetorical question, please do not get in touch with scientific explanations to the contrary, I will not read them.) So swallow your pride, find someone in the vicinity to hold back your hair, and give your stomach a clean slate to work with for the rest of the day.

STEP THREE: Lauren’s Vodka & Mixer Fixer Elixir

Okay, I might have lied a little bit in the last step – we do occasionally buy into the science here at Varsity. And according to my very limited knowledge of the biology of hangovers (cut me some slack, they were generous to add the word science to social sciences), drinking alcohol dehydrates you. If this were WebMD or the NHS website, I might just tell you to chug some water, but literally where is the fun in that? Follow this easy recipe below for Lauren’s Vodka & Mixer Fixer Elixir (patent pending).

1. Soda water – I know it’s vile, you know it’s vile, but the carbonation will settle your stomach and keep the dry-heaving at bay

“If this were WebMD or the NHS website, I might just tell you to chug some water, but literally where is the fun in that?”

2. A bit of cucumber, because really being hungover is a mindset which can easily be altered by kidding yourself that you’re a wellness girlie.

3. A squeeze of lemon or orange, or one of those fizzy vitamin C capsules. Sorry to get scientific AGAIN (someone buy me a lab coat and goggles) but my mum told me years ago that vitamin C speeds up the recovery process and I believe anything she tells me so I’ve never questioned it. Plus, it tastes yummy, so why not.

4. Three generous spoonfuls of sugar – if you’ve just emptied your stomach as per my last step, you’ll need to get some sugar in your system to boost those energy levels. And if you haven’t just emptied your stomach as per my last step, what is your problem? Do you hate me or something? You think I’m an awful person and you never want to speak to me again? Sorry, don’t know what came over me there… must be the hangxiety. Anyway!

5. Paracetamol – self-explanatory and so, so necessary. Simply crush it up, and sprinkle it in.

There you have it! The tried and tested (I’ve never attempted this before in my life) tonic guaranteed to help you beat your hangover: Lauren’s Vodka & Mixer Fixer Elixir.

“Order yourself the greasiest fry-up you can possibly find on Uber Eats, and have at it”

STEP FOUR: Let’s get greasy

By this point, you might be tempted to stop reading. After all, my advice so far is so well-backed by facts and research that you’re probably ready to do a cartwheel down King’s Parade. But trust me, making it to the end is the only way to really stave off a hangover for the entire day. Having said that, I would encourage you to get proactive with this step if you’re feeling up to it. That’s right, it’s time to chef it up! Grab your silly poofy hat, throw on an apron, and… okay, who am I kidding? No one sane is cooking with a hangover. Order yourself the greasiest fry-up you can possibly find on Uber Eats, and have at it. No one’s judging you here.

STEP FIVE: Let yourself be touched by the sun’s rays

Listen, okay, I hear you. You’ve got a splitting headache that just won’t quit, and it’s looking pretty attractive to just stay in bed all day watching Reddit ‘Am I The Asshole? ’ videos while some thirteen year old boy does Minecraft parkour in the background. But trust me, stepping outside for five minutes will do a world of good. Let the mundane beauty of a bee suckling from the wildflowers on your college grounds reintroduce some whimsy into your terrible morning.

STEP SIX: Get ready to do it all again tonight

The time has almost come for me to send you on your way, brave soldier, but I have one more pearl of wisdom left to share with you. If you’re still not feeling 100% (which, let’s face it, is impossible; I am a genius), it’s time to rely on an old faithful: hair of the dog. May Week is going to ask more of you than just the one night (clue’s in the name, babe), so as a failsafe there is always the option of starting tonight’s celebrations before the night before has a chance to bite you.