Everyone knows I hate tomatoes. Sorry to start this instalment of MMM in such a sombre and introspective way – I promise it’s going somewhere. The problem with hating tomatoes is that they’re a) everywhere and b) really good for you. Based on a preliminary Google search, they can quite literally prevent cancer, and do wonders for your poor little heart. To rapidly change the subject (stay with me), everyone also knows that I love lying in bed all day and moving not more than 200ft from my room slap bang in Central Cambridge. The problem with rotting in bed and not really going anywhere is that a) you don’t see anyone and b) it’s really bad for you. I started this column for two reasons – so that I could say I had a column and so that I could see my friends who I loved so badly more often, and have a chance to connect with them in a way I normally don’t. I wanted to eat my friend’s tomatoes, in that I wanted to try something that I knew was good for me, regardless of whether I actually hated it so much that it made me want to vomit from all the slimy little seeds.

“If you have made the same mistakes as me, I expect you to start a mindfulness column imminently”

I would like to take a quick moment to say that this article is not the swan song of my column – although it may seem so. Exams have unfortunately gotten the best of my iCal. I scheduled coffee 9 days in advance last week. The special guest is myself (spoiler).

Now, I wasn’t some freaky loner before writing Martha’s Mindful Madness – Varsity does not have the power to make anyone popular, and I think the people who write for Varsity know this the most. I had and have friends already. This I promise to you, dear reader. But what this column has allowed me to do is understand what I do to ‘relax’, and whether it actually works, or if I have just been trying to excuse not looking after myself by framing it as self-care. On that note, please give a large and heaping spoonful of applause to ME!! Specifically, me from the 25th of May, who did indeed spend the entire day in bed and now has some things to say. Take this as a guide of exactly what to do if you have made the same mistakes as me; I expect everyone to start a mindfulness column imminently.

You all know me so well by now, it feels silly to introduce myself. And so I shan’t.

“I adore to lounge. I crave it. I dream about being in bed, even when I am in fact in bed and asleep”

PART ONE: BED

Today, I woke up, and then I went back to sleep. I lolled around in my bed for hours, doing a silly dance and getting all tangled up in the veil that separates the land of the living and the land of the sleeping – I mocked Father Time himself. This was not helped by my double bed (#humblebrag), and that I am famously “the sleepiest girl in the world” (Gazzard, 2024). I adore to lounge. I crave it. I dream about being in bed, even when I am in fact in bed and asleep. But I would be lying if I said staying in bed all day makes me feel good. If anything, it made me feel bad – quelle horreur! I took a lazy break from my busy day in order to hit brunch, and spend roughly two hours hanging out with my adoptive college daughter, before I had to rush back for my meeting with Mr. Pillow and Ms. Duvet. Although as I write this I feel more rested than normal, I can’t help but feel as though I have wasted my day. The real kick in the teeth to my own psyche was when I chose to close my curtains because the 5pm light was preventing my seventh nap. 4/10

PART TWO: DREAD

It was when I was finally getting ready to go out at 7:15pm to go for coffee that the fear and loathing set in. I think that hating yourself for spending a day in bed is something made worse by being at Cambridge, where terms are so short and exams so intense. Anyway, I sat around in my Joni Mitchell t-shirt with my fringe sticking straight up in the air while the back of my hair was slicked back against my skull so tight you’d think it was vacuum-packed, and pondered all the work I had yet to do. At this point, my POL3 exam answers will be based on whichever textbook is available in the library. 5/10

PART THREE: START A COLUMN IN YOUR STUDENT NEWSPAPER

It was this weird learned helplessness that made me decide to start Martha’s Mindful Madness. I have so loved thinking about what all my friends do to relax, and in fact have a list of people who want to be featured that is longer than the number of weeks I have left. Katiann, I will text you soon, but as evidenced in this article, I have actually been super busy. MMM has helped me understand how to chill out in a way that doesn’t make me more stressed than when I started, even though I do still hate exercise. I know I mention it every time, but it is the truest tomato of them all. 10/10

To conclude, sorry I didn’t have time or the wherewithal to schedule a real life friend to hang out with me this week – instead I spent a day with my ride or die since birth, and ended up getting really pissed off at her. It’s okay, I’ll forgive her tomorrow.