Some people are obsessed with gaming, others endlessly scroll TikTok. My online obsession is slightly different: Cambridge ratings Instagrams. With major stars ‘soupycamb’, ‘biblio_bridge’, ‘cambridgecollegebrunches’, and even ‘toilet_bridge’, these accounts and their ratings share the same cultural relevance and legacy as Facebook confession pages.

My (and many others’) obsession with these BNOCs of Instagram stems from a fundamental human urge to categorise, added to by the wit of their posts, with some including pertinent references, innuendos, or even poetry. As an example, a recent exemplary brunch post included a haiku documenting the experience of a Pembroke brunch and references to the new plans for a climbing wall.

As a self-proclaimed aficionado of the scene, I felt a deep need to get involved – to make my tiny mark in the Hall of Greats, and you, dear reader, are to come along with me. So here are the ultimate steps to making a 10/10 Cambridge rating account.

“Obsession with these BNOCs of Instagram stems from a fundamental human urge to categorise”

Subject

This is crucial. It has to be something people care about, are deeply affected by, and is quintessentially Cambridge. I chose bridges. Honestly, it was an excuse to have the meta name ‘Bridge Bridge’, but more practically, there are a lot of them, allowing for the longevity of the account. I workshopped the idea with a couple of friends who initially ridiculed the idea, but our quick descent into viciously arguing about their favourite bridges made me realise I’d hit the jackpot.

Categories

The way in which posts are rated is equally important. Obviously, this is subject-dependent, but a variety of factors need to be considered to give followers a comprehensive view. For Bridge Bridge, these categories were design, view, cyclability, and access, the last two categories being an attempt to be informative and useful as well as enjoyable to read. A category to avoid is company – if I can’t enjoy a soup with a specific Land Ec from Tit Hall, my experience may be wildly different.

Captions

A perfect procrastination technique, the process of writing captions perfectly fills that Sidge break in the Arc Café that you said would be half an hour but ends up being an hour. For Bridge Bridge, the writing of the first caption mainly consisted of searching up sexual innuendos and jokes (guess what bridge it was). I chose not to decorate my caption with any emojis, but biblio_bridge goes feral for an emoticon – it’s a matter of personal preference.

“Was Bridge Bridge a success? Some would say no. But greatness takes time”

Good pictures

When asking people what they thought made a good ratings page, a common feature was good pictures in the post itself. The social media marketing phrasing is apparently a photo ‘carousel’ - oh yes, I did my research. In the case of some accounts this isn’t as important, I don’t want to see too many pictures of the MML toilets (I’m looking at you, toilet_bridge). For this, I only used the best equipment - my phone lost battery, so I ended up using my friend’s old iPad mini to get some shots, looking like an absolute nob in the process.

Unique element

To be constantly innovating, accounts have to bring something new, something fresh. For some accounts, this means leaving Cambridge - like trying a Teddy Hall Oxford brunch or trying a soup in Tignes on the Varsity trip. After much thought, I decided that Bridge Bridge’s would be an ‘expert’s opinion’ section; consulting a trusted professional’s opinion to round the review. For Garret Hostel bridge, I spoke to a Tit Hall student who wisely said “kinda basic icl.”

Was Bridge Bridge a success? Long story short, with a grand total of 11 followers at the time of writing, some would say no. But greatness takes time. Who knows – maybe in a couple of years I’ll be able to put ‘Instagram content creator’ on my LinkedIn (make my dream a reality by following @bri.dge_bridge). I tried to ask for advice from fellow accounts in the market, to no avail (maybe it’s because ofexam season or maybe it’s due to the cutthroat nature of the business). They say those who can’t do, teach, so hopefully my advice can inspire the next generation of Cambridge raters and rankers to make an Instagram account and shake up the scene.

As a scarily competitive person, reading about others judging other colleges makes me skip a little as I walk through town. John’s might have a good bar and be rich (it’s not about how much money you have, it’s about what you do with it), but soupycamb rated their miso mushroom udon soup a 6.5/10, so pipe down. The weight of a college’s ratings can’t be understated, as one of my friends said, “the Tompkins table doesn’t matter, your college’s brunch score does.”

Cambridge ratings accounts are an expression of our distinctive university experience. They celebrate the quirks of the city and student experience, as well as express a sense of collegiate identity and pride. The strength of opinions on such minutiae as weekend brunch, college and faculty libraries, and (for me and my 11 followers) bridges show that Cambridge becomes home, even if it’s only for three years.