Are you worried that too much rotting over the Summer has softened your edge? Perhaps you want to be ahead of the trends for once, instead of perpetually lagging behind your friends. Not to fear: consult this entirely objective guide to what’s Hot or Not this Michaelmas so you can slide into the chilly autumn season with a scorching sizzle.

Sizzling

• (College) Family time — I’m not saying that family was never important, but with many college couples (and throuples) welcoming new arrivals this term, it’s the season of bonding with your loved ones. Ease your children into their new home by hosting a simple drinks night on arrival day, or, for those looking for a slightly more rigorous and immersive form of bonding, brave the sweaty precincts of Saturday Mash (Smash) as a familial unit. And remember, college family bonding does not mean college family incest.

“Bonding does not mean college family incest”

• Sainsbury’s Belgian Chocolate Puddings — Whenever I eat one of these, I swear I go to heaven. Rich and indulgent, floating upon a sizzling bath of chocolate sauce, this is the Olympic Muffin of Cambridge.
• (College) pub quizzes — Who doesn’t love to whet their social skills upon intellectualism here? An activity that grants you new knowledge that may or may not be more useful than your actual degree, and one which also consolidates friendships in ways unimaginable, the potentials of a classic pub quiz are truly transcendent.
• The Maypole — Yeah, the Pick is cool and all, but does it have a hand-painted mural and an extensive network of outdoor heaters? (The answer is a resounding ‘no’). Tucked on a sidestreet behind the ADC that is paradoxically both quaint and industrial, the Maypole is the place to be this Michaelmas. After you are initially graced by the refreshing herbal scent that perpetually emanates from a mysterious interior source, seat yourself outdoors on those sturdy rectangular chairs, where the innumerable rows of fairy lights ensure that it is always golden hour.
• Ear muffs — A contraption to block out the cold that simultaneously silences the yap of those you want to avoid. What more can you want?

Tepid

• Sidge Buttery — Sure, the monochrome exterior offers a warm and inviting refuge after a particularly stagnant lecture, but those queues are outrageous. Just think of how much French existentialism you can read in that time!

“Those Sidge buttery queues are outrageous”

• Application Season — What the normies call Michaelmas term, the finance bros (and girls) call Application Season. I get it, you want to sell your soul, and the gloomy window between October and December is the ordained time for such Faustian dealings. But if you save your yap about securing an insight webinar, perhaps you’ll save your friendships too.
• Cambridge Water — Tepid, quite literally. In every way possible. (I’m always scared I’m going to die).
• Dark Academia — However pretty the walk to your lecture hall may be, let’s not kid ourselves, this is no The Secret History. We are not idly re-enacting Ancient Greek rites, but drowning in vicious cycles of supervision work and deadlines. And we have like two pretty libraries.

Glacial

• The River Cam — The River Cam contains multitudes: once a Mediaeval trading route, a present fount of eye-wateringly scenic landscapes, and most recently a breeding ground of E. Coli. This Michaelmas, let’s stop pretending that rowing, punting, and casual dips (yes, I’ve seen it) in the River Cam are fun. Embrace stable land instead, which most certainly does not host malicious, gut-eating bacteria.
• ‘Icks’ — You’re an adult, not a toddler; grow a backbone. And maybe use some real vocabulary.

• Skinny scarves — Ah, the skinny scarf, also the presiding emblem for the Sidge Girl. I will admit when I was young and impressionable (last Michaelmas), my naive wannabe Sidge Girl self was a victim to the skinny scarf: there was something about its sheer uselessness that was wildly tantalising. But did this stripey string ever keep me warm? Obviously not. This Michaelmas, express yourself at Sidge with something other than 1cm of crochet knit and maybe actually feel warm in the process.

• Apples that are rotten right to the core — I’ve had enough of it. Enough, I say!

• Taco Bell — Ringing the bell was never hot, but now more than ever it is not. Let’s compare: would you rather a not-so-cheesy black bean, soggy and suspiciously small burrito or a tray of toasty, tzatziki and garlic-covered cheesy chips? You go to Cambridge; use that brain.