Whether it’s your first Michaelmas in Cambridge or your last, we all have problems. A long summer, a new environment, and too many people to avoid all make Michaelmas a chaotic time. The good thing for you is that, even though I can’t solve my own issues (of which there are many), I’m here to help you solve yours!

I’ve come to uni and I can’t cook, help!

Well, someone didn’t spend the summer becoming the next Gordon Ramsey. Fear not! In failing to give you an adequate kitchen, Cambridge has solved this problem for you. Even the bravest and most adventurous chefs among us could not dish up a Michelin star meal in a gyp (or even an oven pizza from the Mainsbury’s frozen aisle). Instead, consider a diet of cheese on toast, pesto pasta and meal deals (Clubcard savings optional, but recommended). If you’re ever struggling with culinary creativity as a result of facility impracticalities, there are a ton of Varsity lifestyle articles to help you on your way. Alternatively, move to a college that has better kitchens; I’ve heard Medwards is great.

“If they didn’t swipe up, you already have your answer”

Do I get back with my Easter situationship?

Just because Oasis has reunited doesn’t mean you and your ex should. If anything, the word ‘ex’ is doing too much; this was probably a man you met in the Pick once or twice and who didn’t message you once all summer, despite captioning your hottest selfies with targeted songs on your Instagram story. If they didn’t swipe up, you already have your answer. There’s a reason why you didn’t spend the vacation together and haven’t met up since. Don’t despair, there are a lot of hot singles in Cambridge, and you’re one of them! Instead of settling for mediocrity, go put yourself out there. Let it go, babe. I’m sure they did a looooooooooong time ago.

My friends-with-benefits goes to Girton and I’m at Homerton – how do we make it work?

Firstly, how wide are the geographical boundaries on your Hinge? You were warned not to commit college-cest and you went 10 steps further in picking someone who, quite literally, could not be further away. I applaud the commitment and I hope the sex is excellent! The U-bus is about to become your best friend. In fact, they should offer you a discount because you are about to fund about 10 more buses (which will hopefully come on time). This will require some planning based on bus timetables, though how reliable these are anyway is up for debate. There’s no point walking; by the time you get to theirs, you’re sweaty, starving and tired. The other alternative is an Uber but who has that kind of money? Please note that nothing about this will be sneaky; there’s only one reason why your Bitmoji will be that far away and it won’t take a genius to work it out. Not to mention the amount of people you’ll see on the way, too.

“There’s only one reason why your Bitmoji will be that far away and it won’t take a genius to work it out”

Will my long-distance relationship work even though I’m at Cambridge?

No. But why would you want it to? University is a new experience. You’ll be trying new things, discovering who you are, and meeting new people. This doesn’t mean you have to go wild in Sunday Lola’s (it’ll never be Kiki’s to me), but if you want to do that too, go for it! If you feel like being in a long-distance relationship is making you miss out on the Cambridge experience, I’d just end it now. Cambridge is three short years of stress, love, and novelty, don’t waste a second on some teenage relationship. The reality is almost everyone I know who came to uni in a relationship ended it with them eventually, and we’ve all shared our regret for staying in it so long. I’m protecting you from my mistakes. Just give up now before it gets harder.

I signed up for too much at the Freshers’ Fair, what do I do now?

Ah, rookie fresher mistake. Both your eagerness to try new things and your inability to say no to people have ended in you joining the mailing lists of about 70 different societies (68 of which you aren’t even interested in). You just wanted a tote bag, a mug, or a mini bag of Haribo, and now you’re getting emails about all of the new events coming up. So many that it’s clogging your emails and now you can’t find the one about your supervision times. Well, too bad, you have to go to every single event in every single society and cannot drop out at any moment. Kidding, obviously. But you should definitely try as many new things as you are interested in. It’s a great way to meet new people, try a new hobby, or just forget about being homesick.

You don’t have to commit to every single event ever run, you’ll never have enough time for that, just go to the ones that appeal most to you. That’s the great thing about university life; it’s the first time you’ll be living independently and that means you get to decide how you spend your time! There are ways of mass unsubscribing from mailing lists, too. But if you’re struggling to find a society to pick, join Varsity. You won’t regret it.