It’s been one long Summer and Michaelmas isn’t exactly going to plan. Maybe it’s been hard moving out of home and leaving all your loved ones behind. Or maybe (just maybe) it was the daily seven-hour screen time figure which should have been going into that very long pile of vacation work. Well, if you would like to procrastinate your very long pile of current work, complete this quiz to find out what your preferred form of mindless scrolling says about you.

On a Wednesday night, you can be found…

A: Revs-ing all your problems away

B: In the college library, on the work grind

C: In a very deep, undisturbed slumber

D: Spending time with friends in the college bar

Your go-to pastime is…

A: Brainrot!

B: (Attempting) to read something

C: Staring into space

D: Scrolling through Netflix (and not deciding upon anything)

Your favourite sweet treat is…

A: Anything that includes chocolate

B: Pastries

C: You don’t eat sugar

D: Jack’s

If you were stuck on a deserted island, you would bring…

A: Your phone to keep you company

B: A boat to escape the island with

C: Just yourself. Just you and those thoughts

D: A fishing rod

You would describe your style as…

A: The Y2K aesthetic

B: The office siren

C: Uncoordinated

D: Frazzled English woman

If you picked mostly A: TikTok

Ah, the classic TikTok (the real ones will remember the days of Musical.ly). I’m still not entirely sure what it was about the 15 second dance clips, primarily composed of floppy hand gestures, that was enough to become a global sensation, but the human condition is a strange one. You’ve probably been using TikTok for some time now and have stuck with it through thick and thin (the words ‘Hype House’ still fill me with an inexpressible sense of dread); now it’s unfortunately a staple of your daily routine. Like many of us, you’ve probably convinced yourself that healthy brainrot breaks are necessary for productivity; whether you’ve just written 100 words of your next essay, done that laundry load which couldn’t be postponed, or even completed the gruelling task of waking up, you deserve a little reward. Though TikTok is a somewhat basic choice, there’s nothing wrong with that: you’re good at spotting the latest trends and are up to date with the internet lingo. At times, it’s best to stick to the classics.

If you picked mostly B: LinkedIn

There is one thing I know for sure and that is you’re going into the soggy, grey, corporate world, aren’t you. And you’re probably excited about it. I will admit, LinkedIn can be fun: there is something about finding out the credentials of all the people you barely know that can be somewhat satisfying. Or maybe you’re the type of scroller that is trying to get ahead of the networking game to start earning that outrageous salary sooner. I don’t think I’m exactly reading minds when I tell you that you’re probably quite a driven and ambitious person. But given that this is your preferred form of brainrot, we have a problem. I think it’s time that you touch some grass, and if this means momentarily stepping outside college, by all means please do so: you probably need to.

If you picked mostly C: Shorts

Now, I don’t really know what possesses one to use Shorts as their preferred form of brainrot; the only explanation that I can come up with is that you’ve banned yourself from both TikTok and Instagram in the noble aim to reach new ascetic heights. But it hasn’t been very noble has it? Because now you’re addicted to YouTube Shorts. Or maybe you’ve decided to be very incredibly quirky and this is the (sorry) means of standing out. Or perhaps you’ve even scrolled to the end of the algorithm on all other apps in existence. Regardless, look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if this is really what you want out of life. In writing this article, I decided to partake in some market research and I can confirm: Shorts is a sad affair. Presented with an eccentric mixture of TV shows clips, DIY hacks, and some very strange ads, it was like 2019 YouTube regurgitated into 15-second clips. While I don’t think Shorts will ever be cool, if you are optionally enduring this kind of content, I have a strange form of respect for you. But for crying out loud, just download TikTok. Or do I need to stage an intervention?

If you picked mostly D: Reels

The reason why you should stick to the classics is to avoid being addicted to recycled, second-rate content like Reels. Be honest with yourself: you probably swore that you’d never download TikTok and now you’re addicted to Reels instead (sadly, I relate). Your friends probably make fun of you when you seize upon Instagram as your go-to brainrot content but you can’t go back on your word (once again, I relate). You are perpetually faced with the burden of having to tactically like certain Reels to ensure that you are perceived by your following as cool, and your brainrot sessions always start in the same, unintentional way: you quickly check Insta to see if people’s lives are currently more interesting than yours – they almost always are – but the little button in the bottom-middle is far too tantalising and, all of a sudden, an unnamable portion of time has gone down the drain (I am going to refrain from commenting about when I relate). But at the end of the day, you stick to your word, and I respect that.