If you’re reading this, you’ve survived the ‘week five blues’ of Michaelmas term and now you get to enjoy Bridgemas, another culty Cambridge tradition. Who would have thought there were any more of those in this place? Whilst Bridgemas brings its own fun, it also brings its own mess, so here I am with all of my wisdom to save you from your terrible wrapping skills and festive blunders!

I got someone I don’t like for Secret Santa: what should I get them?

’Tis the season for ugly Christmas jumpers, forking out for Revs cloakroom because it’s minus temperatures, and pettiness. Whoever said Christmas was the time for kindness, gratitude and humility clearly never met a Cambridge student and their inability to keep a good time good. Sometimes, you realise your dislike of someone is a leftover annoyance as a result of the week five blues and damning essay feedback. Other times, they’re just jarring. No judgement from me, I’m a hater to my core.

“In the eternal words of Jojo Siwa, karma’s a bitch”

You could be the bigger person and buy them a very genuine gift of Sainsbury’s cheapest wine (if they drink, of course). This will inevitably lead to some poor life decisions and a pounding head the next day, but in the eternal words of Jojo Siwa, karma’s a bitch. You could also conveniently ‘forget’ to get them a gift, but be wary that your mutual friends won’t look too fondly on this course of action.

How do I enjoy a Bridgemas dinner?

Cambridge kitchens are blessed with a lack of any suitable equipment, so I don’t think you’ll be enjoying any food made in a gyp, least of all a Bridgemas dinner. I’d suggest booking yourself into a formal for your college’s version of Bridgemas dinner. But, alas, if you’re reading this now, you might have run out of time. No worries, I have you covered (but don’t stress, it won’t be my cooking!) I’d suggest making friends ASAP with someone who has a decent kitchen.

But what even is a Bridgemas dinner if not just a glorified Sunday dinner? Find your nearest pub or hall that does a roast, bring some tinsel and some friends, and there you have it! Bonus points if you stage your own nativity play, but good luck finding not one, not two, but three wise men. If you get hammered enough, as you’re supposed to at a Bridgemas dinner, then you’re definitely doing it right (and won’t remember the dire food situation).

“Think about how public you want to be”

I want to go on cute festive dates in Cambridge, how do I find someone and where should we go?

I don’t know how familiar you are with the Cambridge dating scene, but it is the TRENCHES out here. Stay off Hinge, Tinder, Grindr, and any other dating app where you’re dealing with people saying ‘my biggest regret … getting on Hinge’. Ick. You are also so bombarded with weird Cambridge dating rules that the challenge you have posed to me is practically impossible to navigate. Not to worry, I’m here with a solution that won’t necessitate you going back to your situationship who thought sending you in an Uber home was the pinnacle of aftercare. Grab some mistletoe and head to the library of your choice (I recommend Marshall if you’re in it for the long game). You could also do this in the club of your choice. It’s fun and flirty and, if nothing else, it’s a story for the (college) grandkids.

Regarding dates, I’d think how public you want to be about things. A movie night in with hot chocolate and the best Christmas film to exist (Nativity) is cute and helps you keep the roster going. Alternatively, checking out the Christmas markets or going to a winter ball (if you’re lucky enough to have the funds) could also be very festive. Just be aware of when this seasonal situationship contract will expire and don’t get too attached.

I don’t have the funds to buy all of my friends, family and situationships a gift this Bridgemas season.

Oh boo hoo, how hard it must be for you to have so many friends and a large enough roster to recreate the Last Supper painting. How do you cope with so much love and affection around you? Not only do I want to know how you balance the bank account, but how you balance your time. Are we not in Cambridge?!

Nevertheless, you must realise, by now, that having so many people around you means that the only gift you need to give this Bridgemas season is yourself! While I would recommend throwing a big party for everyone to enjoy together, I’m not sure how your situationships would find that (I imagine it’ll be like that one Spider-Man meme). If any of them ask where their thoughtful, expensive gift is, tell them to do one. It would make the roster easier to manage too, I’m sure. You could also wrap yourself in the most glittery, colourful wrapping paper and let them work out what the gift is. Merry Bridgemas!