In case you missed it, it’s 2025. For many of us, it’s ‘New Year, new me’. Cringe. Nonetheless, it’s a time for identity crises, mistakes, and existentialism. The beginning of Lent marks a time of new academic and personal challenges (just like every other term at Cambridge, if we’re being real). But not to worry! It might be a new year, new term, new you but Auntie Jessica is still here to help you with your problems, both new and old.

“When you fall off a horse, you don’t lie on the floor and wait for it to trample all over you like a mouldy pile of leaves, you get back on the horse”

It’s not even February and I’ve broken my New Year’s Resolution already - how do I stop feeling guilty?

A New Year’s Resolution?! I haven’t dealt with anything so mundane since 2016. If I wanted to destroy my self-worth by setting unattainable and unrealistic goals, I’d have just applied to Cambridge… Oh wait, we’ve been there, done that and got the gown to prove it; so why continue to make yourself miserable over the guilt of missing a gym session in a tiny basement room your college tries to pass off as a ‘gym’ or eating your usual greasy order from Gardies after a rambunctious Rumboogie night? Every week, I try to set myself a new goal and, even then, I fall short each and every time. No more last minute essay crises? Too late, I’m still in the library at 3am when my 2000 word essay on the Stalinist economy is due in four short hours. Stop spending money on overpriced drinks at the pick? Too bad, all my friends are there and my student loan drops soon. Who cares if you break your New Year’s Resolution? Nobody’s going to flog you in 2025, so you shouldn’t go on a pious expedition of self-flagellation just because you feel guilty. Just come up with a new one, or keep going with the original one. If you’re breaking your resolution, choose something more realistic. It’s exactly what my friends do; they won’t tell me not to see my ex, they’ll just tell me not to see him at 1am. We can all make silly promises and vows to ourselves about only being serious candidates, both personally and academically, but when you fall off a horse, you don’t lie on the floor and wait for it to trample all over you like a mouldy pile of leaves, you get back on the horse.

I’ve committed to Dry January but I don’t know how to socialise anymore...

I commend your dedication to preserving your health, but even more so your dedication to keep being social. Here’s a secret little tip: you can do all of the same social activities whilst being sober! Isn’t that crazy? There’s been many occasions where I’ve, somehow, stumbled into Revs or Kiki’s (formally, and yet continually, known as Lola’s), without a drop of alcohol in my body, not even a sneaky double vodka coke. Has it been dire? Yes. But, before you despair, that’s because, even drunk, I’ve never really enjoyed clubbing on a Sunday night. However, a Friday Raza, or even Frash – now we’re talking! Better music, less shoving, and arguably much closer to Van of Life. At the pub, you can still enjoy the loud chatter among friends, but just with a soft drink. I often find that I can feel giddy-drunk whilst stone-cold sober with my friends. Everything is funny when you’re around funny people, not just when you’re tipsy. If being in a drinking environment is too much of a temptation, might I suggest different venues? Going to a cafe, a restaurant, or even a museum are ways of getting out and socialising without needing to pay an eye-watering amount for a pint. Cambridge is full of things to do, least of all your supo work, so you may as well make the most of it, whilst simultaneously saving money, becoming more cultured, and avoiding a deathly hangover.

“Everything is funny when you’re around funny people, not just when you’re tipsy”

I’ve got mocks at the start of term but spent the whole holidays binge-watching Motherland - send help!

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of your own actions. Despite your impeccable taste in entertainment, it hasn’t helped you remember research methods, or how to solve a maths question in timed conditions. Like a Netflix suggestion page, if you enjoyed Motherland, might I suggest watching Cunk on Earth? With Diane Morgan being hilarious as always, but with slightly more material of academic value, it means you’re still entertained, while also learning things that might (they absolutely won’t) come up in your mocks. If you get to your exam, and you still don’t know anything, ask a friend to set off the fire alarm, feign fainting, or just don’t turn up and hope your DoS is sympathetic to whatever excuse you give. No matter how you do, you’ve still got time until the real thing (and hopefully you’ll have learnt a valuable lesson).

I told my crush that I was a vegan to impress her but I can’t even commit to a week of Veganuary- how do I get out of this?

Ghost her. There’s no other way out of this. What’s the alternative? You spend your life eating cauliflower steaks and tofu, drooling about the chicken quesadilla you used to wolf down following a debrief-worthy night at Mash. The thing about a diet is you have to pick the one you enjoy the most and gives you the most energy, and by the sounds of it, veganism isn’t the one for you. Yeah, it might be for some, like the girl you’re trying to impress, but it’s alright to enjoy chicken and milk chocolate without being an awful person. If veganism is a deal breaker for someone, I doubt it’s the only deal breaker between you two. If you’re feeling brave, tell her you’ve had an epiphany and turned back to the omnivore lifestyle. Just don’t get all gym-bro about it.

I’m not over my ex, and don’t know how to start chatting to someone new - what do I do? 

If this is my ex, please get over me. I know you’re only human, but come on buddy, it’s been too long; find someone else to annoy. If you are any other person on this planet, feelings are fucking rough. It’s hard when the person you miss the most is the person you can’t have, and probably don’t want anymore either. The first thing to know is that there is no statute of limitations on your emotions, and as every therapist and good Agony Aunt knows – say it with me – healing is not linear. Don’t look for the same connection you had with your ex with someone new. It doesn’t matter how good it felt, it clearly didn’t work out. Don’t be someone you’re not, it’ll just be hard to keep up with a new persona AND heartbreak. Don’t rush it either, you are more than enough as you are and you should give yourself time and space to know that. Oh, and if you’re not clicking with someone new, maybe they’re just boring. 

How soon is too soon to find a Valentine?

You mean you haven’t started already?! How will you possibly find one as late as January? I jest, of course. If I could, I’d give you one of the many suitors on my previous roster, but this Agony Aunt doesn’t believe in handouts of men (why make it easy for them?). In short, it’s never too soon and it’s never too late, not even on the 15th February. Yes, some deem the holiday a capitalist invention, with the prices of roses and stuffed bears tripling the week before, and whilst I do agree, it’s not what you do for the patriarchy, it’s what the patriarchy can do for you. Find your Valentine! If you’re struggling to find one, might I suggest Varsity’s Blind Date? It’s a fun holiday filled with love – why would you want to deprive yourself? Here’s your reminder that it doesn’t matter if you’re married with children (college kids still count), you still need to ask them to be your Valentine.  

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