Torched tripos

Lucy cav students were left fuming after a false fire alarm saw their exam chances go up in smoke on Tuesday. Some students braved the British summertime and completed their essays outside in the rain, whilst others put in earplugs and remained at their desks, seemingly accepted that bottoming tripos was a less honourable feat than going out in flames. Residents were eventually allowed to return to their rooms after a considerable delay, but the affected students have been left smouldering with rage after discovering they will not be getting special consideration for their ordeal.

Herby Hoover?

Fitzwilliam college’s housekeepers have repurposed Henry Hoovers into plan pots, in what has been speculated to be a consequence of their cleaning responsibilities. Described by a Facebook user as a “mythical graveyard” the vacuum cleaners are now housing an assortment of herbs to bring some flavour into the the life of Fitz students. However, some students have speculated that a darker truth lies beyond the floral facade. One Fitz student told Varsity they believed the hoovers had been “repurposed” following a mass exodus of cleaners in the wake of last month’s housekeeping scandal, when housekeeping staff sent photos of students’ messy rooms across the entirety of the college.

No more road rage

Cambridge travel services are attempting to solve the city’s long standing road rage problem of road rage by taking humans out the equation. By the end of summer, Cambridge will host a trial for self-driving shuttle buses as a part of a national pilot scheme. The first trial route is scheduled to run from Madingley Road Park & Ride to Eddington, passing through the West Cambridge Campus. Additional trials are planned to be implemented in early 2025.

Triple digit delight

Cambridge scientists wowed the world of hand enthusiasts this week with the invention of a bionic third thumb. The mechanical attachment has been hailed by scientists as allowing able bodies individuals to “enhance their productivity,” as well as giving people with disabilities new ways to interact with their environment. Since the thumbs unveiling, there has been a huge spike in demand from English students, who are trying to find new ways to speed up their handwriting skills after they were forced off laptops by technical issues last week.