January: Starting swimmingly

The year’s floodgates opened on a torrent of water-based stories when the University was hit with a £600,000 bill for an unbuilt swimming pool and hopes for the boatie pre-season were washed away by flooding during Storm Henk. It remains unclear why an abundance of water posed a problem for the rowers, who famously travel in boats. Adverse weather conditions plagued students abroad, too, with Varsity skiers left stranded in the Alps after a “crush” to board coaches. While students contended with feet of snow, University leadership found itself on thin ice with regards to its sustainability rankings, as academics exchanged frosty words over Cambridge’s green policies.

As Lent began, Varsity revealed that Trinity handed out thousands in prizes and grants to students from elite schools, while the University was accused of “actively discouraging” victims of sexual assault from going to the police. Former home secretary Suella Braverman made the news for the first – and far from last – time when she headed the Union’s list of upcoming speakers, although the event never came to be. Alumnus David Mitchell returned to film detective series Ludwig which, Varsity can reveal, isn’t very good.

February: Crying over spilt beer

In the month that Cambridge’s chancellor announced his intention to resign, St John’s College was caught crying over spilt lager as it handed out community service to students involved in a beer and urine-spilling frenzy at a sports day in Oxford. Corpus’s Oxbridge sports day was cancelled after last year’s mayhem, when prized possessions – including a teddy bear and a photo of Boris Johnson’s son – were stolen from the College JCR. Further drinking “chaos” came at an Anglo-Saxon society dinner, where revellers opted for mead over beer and urine. Appearing at the Union, the Speaker of the House of Commons admitted that a parliamentary vote on Gaza had been a “shambles”. Speaking of shambles, the SU got into a row over vegan catering and a sabbatical officer was revealed to have called in sick from a societies fair while on holiday in Morocco.

The Nathan Cofnas scandal broke this month, when the “race-realist” research fellow wrote in a blog post that the number of Black professors at Harvard “would approach” zero in a “meritocracy”. Cofnas later claimed that the University was “aware” of his “controversial interests” when hiring him. The University was forced to defend its acceptance of a £20 million donation from an oil magnate, while advertising for banking partners which “do not contribute” to fossil fuel expansion.

March: Flying chairs and funding cuts

Drinking frenzies continued into March, as Varsity revealed a Wetherspoons bust-up which saw two Oxbridge students wiped out by a flying chair. The Nathan Cofnas furore continued, as the University’s academic head admitted “failures” over the research fellow’s appointment and students marched to demand his dismissal. It was a month of cuts, as the University dropped funding for ADHD diagnoses and scrapped state school admissions targets, while John’s axed its beloved mixed-gender choir and a pro-Palestine activist slashed a Trinity painting of Lord Balfour. In the same month, Trinity was handed a legal warning regarding its investments in Israel’s largest arms company, prompting student protest.

Art made headlines in March, as a row emerged over a statue said to portray Prince Phillip, while the University unveiled a charity trail of giraffe sculptures. Resembling a mammal known for being lanky and antisocial, the council ordered that the Prince Phillip statue be removed.

April: Caught red-handed

April saw John’s making headlines twice for its financial disparities. A Varsity investigation revealed the college spends almost 90 times more on its boat club than less wealthy colleges. Meanwhile, their chapel choir received over 17 times the funding allocated to the recently disbanded St. John’s Voices. Controversy emerged in the AMES faculty over allegations of a “toxic work environment” and amid the state-school target row, widening participation efforts faced scrutiny as nearly 300 private schools benefitted from Oxbridge access initiatives originally aimed at underrepresented groups. Emmanuel cut ties with Nathan Cofnas, a controversial fellow, while plagiarism allegations resurfaced against a different Cambridge professor.

Fitz apologised after photos of messy student rooms, taken without consent, were shared around the college, which then, in an ironic turn of events, grasped national media attention. Activism surged, with red paint splashed on Trinity College chapel and Cambridge Labour HQ, in protest of institutional ties to Israeli arms firms and Labour’s stance on Gaza. While MI5 warned Cambridge researchers about the risks of foreign powers stealing their work, students faced a different kind of risk: scammers on Ticketbridge posing as sellers of May Week tickets to deceive unsuspecting buyers. Lastly, Rosie Freeman’s resignation as Women’s Officer left the Cambridge SU with no non-male sabbatical officers, which set the stage for further controversy within the SU in the weeks to come.

May: May-hem – resignations and occupations

While Cambridge students kicked off May with festive C-Sunday celebrations, it wasn’t as smooth sailing for the University’s supervisors, as a new report revealed some of their pay rates to be £3 below the living wage. Activism quickly took centre stage as Cambridge for Palestine set up their first encampment outside King’s College, demanding the University divest from investments linked to “genocide” and requesting a meeting with the vice-chancellor. The protest expanded with a new encampment outside the Senate House building, and over 250 protesters staged a sit-in outside the Old Schools building. Amid mounting tensions within the Students’ Union, the SU’s Welfare and Community Officer also resigned, attacking the SU’s stance on the Israel-Gaza war.

Further unrest followed when the Cambridge SU post-graduate president began a hunger strike as he called for reform regarding alleged nepotism and arbitrary appointments within the SU. Suella Braverman visited the C4P encampment on King’s Parade and attempted to engage in dialogue with activists. The encampment at Senate House was eventually dismantled after the University agreed to enter negotiations. Meanwhile, porters at both Clare and Emmanuel faced backlash for “transphobic” posts. Finally, amid the SU resignations, a Varsity investigation revealed former and current staff members claiming there is “a deep-rooted culture of corruption in the SU”.

June: Classical chaos and betrayal at The Last Dinner (party)

June began with continued pressure on the University to review its arms investments from pro-Palestinian protesters, and the unsurprising revelation that Cambridge had seen a drop in state school admissions. As the month carried on, bills made a splash for the University, who were forced to pay out for the unbuilt swimming pool, and King’s College who revealed plans to up tourist fees amid a growing deficit. Meanwhile, Classics students launched a campaign against their Faculty’s exam “incompetence” after exams were leaked and altered during exams. Sources close to the matter informed Varsity that the Faculty is planning a review of their examinations, including a return to handwriting on stone tablets.

The end of June hailed the time of hedonism and celebration, but not every party was to go smoothly. Pro-Palestinian protesters disrupted St John’s May Ball, calling on the College to cut ties from arms companies, while Homerton May Ball was thrown into disarray when The Last Dinner Party cancelled last minute, only to have Jedward rectify the betrayal at a moment’s notice. May Week was also a time of celebration for St John’s Voices, who announced a successor to their axed mixed-gender choir.

July: Biblical bugs, electoral babies, and beans

Cambridge was thrown into panic at the start of July, as new statistics revealed that the city had faced a six times increase in “biblical” STI cases in the past decade. In spite of such a pressing public health crisis, Cambridge students expressed political apathy, with more than half of them not feeling represented by any political party in the 2024 General election. One student to buck this trend was Christ’s MPhil student and former Varsity staff writer Sam Carling, who became the UK’s youngest MP after winning the North West Cambridgeshire constituency.

Later on in the month, the Cambridge SU began preparations for the next academic year, with the new sabbatical team picking up where the last one left off: facing the resignation of their women’s officer before she could take up her post. Later in the month, the University backtracked on their commitment to stop accepting donations from fossil fuels companies, and agreed to review arms investments so long as the Cambridge for Palestine encampment was dismantled. A Cambridge researcher also claimed that beans were the key to fixing the mental health crisis, but Varsity can reveal that the study did not consider the potential environmental consequences of excessive bean consumption.

August: Gold rush and research gripes

August began with a flurry of Olympic successes as Trinity celebrated alumna Imogen Grant taking home two gold medals, while Corpus Christi congratulated Amy Hunt for her silver medal after she graduated from the College last year. Talk about over-achieving… For those graduating in future years, the vice-chancellor announced mitigations against strike action, suggesting students could graduate with exams unmarked. Meanwhile, discussions about policy changes were afoot in the University, with academics demanding complete divestment from arms, the University being accused of illegality regarding forced retirement, and Cambridge implementing a new freedom of speech code – based on a policy dropped by the government.

The Students’ Union also introduced a new whistleblower policy to prevent staff from alerting the media about internal misconduct – which was promptly leaked to the media in typical SU fashion. The Cambridge Don sculpture controversy continued, making its fourth appearance on the Varsity website and even appearing in the BBC. But perhaps the biggest story of the month – which also made BBC headlines – was academics beefing over ham research. Woe betide anyone who attempts to “cast doubt” on a piece of Cambridge research.

September: Crime, cattle, and Chinese cooperation

As students began to think about the reading lists flooding their inboxes, September brought crime to Cambridge, with a religious icon being stolen from Magdalene chapel. Cambridge stressed that the University was “not dependent” on China after their ambassador to the UK told a group of Chinese students to “serve the motherland” before meeting with pro vice-chancellor Deborah Prentice to discuss “mutually beneficial cooperation”. Six days later, Lucy Cavendish College announced a scholarship programme in partnership with the scandal-hit City University of Hong Kong – a programme made possible by a “generous donation” from CityUHK.

Trinity faced ups and downs, suffering a mechanical failure which caused five people to receive medical treatment following excess chlorine levels in the water, but also toppling Christ’s to reach the top of the Tompkins Table. Alas, the University did not have such luck in The Times HE Rankings, being knocked off the podium. To add more salt to the wound, rivals O*ford replaced Cambridge in third spot. Cattle received a prominent spot in this month’s news, with an animal rights demonstration being held, while the Coe Fen herd felt the moo-sic in an impromptu choir performance at Mill Pond.

October: Protesters scare Braverman off (for now) and the SU slashes sabbs

October saw students returning to Cambridge’s streets, and the return of student activism. Pro-Palestinian students staged a lecture walkout, targeted tech company Siemens’ office, and disrupted a Barclay’s event and a talk at King’s. The climate was at the forefront of many students’ minds, with activists disrupting the engineering and tech careers fair, and the SU backing a boycott of insurance companies. Meanwhile Selwyn ranked bottom in a “nonsense” climate table. Cambridge’s SU came out in full force in Michaelmas Term, banning stickers – but not firearms – at Freshers’ Fair, campaigning for colleges to stop hiring porters from the police, and slashing their sabbatical roles. Shortly after this announcement, they finally elected the new – and last – women’s officer.

Varsity revealed worrying details about the University’s complaints process, as they continued to employ staff after upholding sexual misconduct complaints against them, while the SU decided to persist with “precarious” zero-hour contracts. The University later followed suit, backtracking on a policy which would have eradicated such contracts for staff. Other institutions also came under fire, with the Union experiencing controversy over its ties to Tory donor Frank Hester. Hester wasn’t the only Tory to feature in news headlines this month, as Suella Braverman’s planned CUCA talk was postponed amid protest fears. It was later revealed that the Free Speech Union had offered to bring Braverman back. Exams featured in Varsity’s pages yet again, with HSPS scrapping online exams over AI fears and Varsity finding large gender awarding gaps. In rowing news, the Boat Race partnered with Chanel, while college rowers argued about the calamity of new rowing rules on the Cam – truly tough times.

November: Suella Two: Electric Boogaloo

If we had a penny for every time someone from Varsity interviewed Suella Braverman this year, we’d have two pennies. The former home secretary told Varsity that protesters should “get a life” after attending a Cambridge Conservative event. Despite Braverman’s words, November marked a month of protest as well as flag pinching, “money pissing”, and pomodoro-styled revision raves…? Trinity College’s decision to backtrack on arms divestments and accusations of the University “breaking” agreements led to a flurry of protest, with pro-Palestinian students disrupting graduations and occupying University property, including Greenwich House and the Senate House lawn. Following this, the University threatened student occupiers with legal action. Amid all this, Cambridge veterinary students faced serious degree qualification fears after Cambridge’s Veterinary Medicine course was thrust into accreditation peril after failing to meet 50 out of the regulator’s 77 standards.

December: Is it a bird, is it a plane…? No, it’s a ‘6ft monkey man’

December culminated with a forged Cambridge invitation, some animal activism, and the last River Cam pun of the year. Things were getting frighteningly surreal as we approached the end of the year when Cambridge’s own bigfoot, a ‘6ft monkey man’, or better yet, Cam Kong, terrorised a History student who claimed to have seen “a massive monkey thing running on all fours into the trees”.

Things didn’t get much better for Cambridge during the rest of the month as it ranked the worst UK university at providing support for its disabled students, faced calls to apologise over the historical imprisonment of thousands of working class women, and a law journal published by the University’s press house faced criticisms following a paper on the annexation of Gaza. However, not all was doom and gloom as Zahra Joya, former TIME Woman of the Year, was appointed a by-fellow at Hughes Hall. Despite the cancellation of 2025’s Strawberry Fair and tuition fees expecting to creep up and exceed £10,000 by 2029, we can still hope for the best this new year – provided we don’t get mauled by the Cam-ominable Snowman, that is.