As I, Eleanor Arga (‘East Anglia’s Favourite Music Critic’ 1994-5), prowl into the rehearsal room, I am literally blinded by the talent I find. Lithe young actors promenade around the stage like resplendent mongeese, also parading around a stage. Awed, I can do nothing but stand and watch: intently. 

“I have often told my editor that a theatrical preview is much like coitus; the more you pay, the better you’ll get.”

The intensity of my gaze was tricky to maintain, as I found myself swiftly ejected from the ADC théâtre. Apparently I had infiltrated a rehearsal for How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying when I was actually meant to be writing a preview for How to lie and get away with it, an embarrassing mistake for an otherwise exemplary woman such as myself. Taking only a moment to savour the firm grim of Romero the security guard around my quivering forearms, I, Eleanor Arga (two-time ‘Norwich’s Best Bum’ nominee), found my way to the actual venue: the so-called ‘Corpus Playroom’.

I have often told my editor that a theatrical preview is much like coitus: the more you pay, the better you’ll get. Apparently Ella Godfrey and Simon West, the writers of this particular show, beg to differ and refused to pay me anything.

“How to lie and get away with it will be a complete and unmitigated failure”

For reasons completely unrelated to my lack of financial reward, I can now reveal that How to lie and get away with it will be a complete and unmitigated failure. For your reading pleasure, pleasurable readers, I have compiled my justifications as to why into a handy list:

Reason #1

According to its website, the tiny venue known colloquially as ‘Corpus’ can accommodate 80 people. It is much like myself in that regard. However, I think it obvious that one of these ‘playrooms’ (and we all know what they mean by that, do we not, gentlemen readers?) will struggle to sell 80 tickets per night.

Reason #2

Plot. The show is a comedic farce set backstage at a charity concert. An unpaid intern must prevent a trio of zany musical acts from finding out that, despite her promises, they will not be paid for the gig. Matters, I can tell you, only gets worse when the ravishingly beautiful show reviewer Eleanor Arga (100m Swimming Badge, 1983) demands a hefty bribe for a good review. Perhaps this by-the-numbers farce could have been salvaged if I, Eleanor Arga (part-time critic, full-time lioness), had been given the starring role.

Reason #3

The cast (with one notable exception) is probably nowhere near as hilarious and talented as their onstage performances would have you believe.

Reason #4

The show was written and directed by the pair who brought us Love in a Maze, which was almost certainly awful. Varsity and CTR both gave it four stars, where each star represented 15 minutes of the reviewer’s life they’d never get back.

Reason #5

The show also features hand-puppets, a singing reverend and – horror of horrors – meta-theatrical humour. Disgusting.

Review: Doppelgängers 

I can therefore conclude that this show will be absolutely awful, and that those looking for an enjoyable night of theatrical fun would be better off saving their pennies for a ticket to a superiorly named Lent Term Musical. Nevertheless, if any eligible young bachelors happen to find themselves at the Corpus Playroom at 9:30pm between the 7th and 11th of November, I urge them to leave their calling-cards at the counter. Eleanor Arga shall be in touch.

How to lie and get away with it runs at the Corpus Playroom from Tues 7th - Sat 11th Feb, at 9:30pm