Are you looking to get into theatre as an actor at Cambridge? If so, why? Well, if you insist on it, you’ll need some advice to help you get into the “scene” - if, indeed, that farrago can be called a “scene” - which I am here to provide in slow and careful steps. Are you ready? Let’s start.

Firstly, abandon all moral scruples. Some find this the easiest step and others the hardest, depending on how few scruples they have to begin with. Some don’t even need this step, since they have never had any. If you are one of these, you can stop reading this now and continue doing whatever evil thing it is you were doing. I wish you the best of luck with it.

Secondly, have a nice accent. I cannot stress how important this is. If you don’t have a nice accent, then get a hold of yourself, for God’s sake!

Thirdly, make friends; they’re great for personal gain. But please do remember to cast them off as soon as possible, and perhaps even earlier than that if you can. Remember, lasting friendships get you nothing in this world. Well, it does get you happiness, but who wants that? If you’re wondering what can be done to help you make these trendy and influential friends, see the step above and peruse it as you would the ancient texts.

(A quick addendum to the step above. You may well be saying to yourself at this point something like “but what if I’m introverted, and don’t like insincerity and naked ambition, or cruelty hiding within flattery?”. If this is the case, don’t get into acting, Nerd.)

Fourthly, be insufferable. Hopefully, this has been implicit in the prior steps, but it is important that I state it clearly, just in case. Remember, theatre is not a vehicle for expression, but rather one for your own insecurity. Sincerity and health are death.

Lastly, remember that it’s all good fun! Just a bit of relaxation and recreation by a bunch of amateur students, not in any way pressurised or intimidating. It’s a place for you to really grow and flourish as a person, really. In short, just be you and the rest will follow!