Hi there. I’m glad that we’ve finally met, and before there’s some kind of large scale concern that the sub-editors have completely misunderstood the content of this column, I ought to explain that the pun – if you will acknowledge it – is intentional, not a horrifying spelling error. This is a column dedicated to the subject of breakfast. Breakfast: it defies classification – is it sweet? Savoury? Hot? Cold? Question after question can be asked, yet no one can arrive at an edifying conclusion. This is, therefore, an extended ode to breakfast, to the sheer variety that breakfast brings. I’ve anticipated a few burning questions:

Am I qualified to write this breakfast column? No one is really qualified to write a breakfast-based column, but I’m on the ‘breakfast-is-the-most-important-meal-of-the-day’ team. Furthermore, my food writing career began at the tender age of nine when I wrote ‘An Ode to Lasagne’ for national poetry day in year 4. Devastatingly it wasn’t chosen as the best in the twenty-strong class, but the opening lines still ring true: ‘Lasagne, Lasagne, / I love you, Lasagne! / I need you! / I plead for you! / Lasagne.’ This demonstrates my passion and commitment to food (and food writing) – it’s not just a fling, I’m in it for the long haul.

Why am I not writing a Lasagne column? (a perfectly valid question to ask.) Well, we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves, we’ll start at the beginning of the day and if it takes off maybe move on to lunch. Plus, I can legitimately argue that I’ve had as many, if not more, breakfasts than I’ve had hot dinners, so it seems like a logical place to start.

But why write about breakfast? Well, the answer is: why not? It’s a fun and silly subject matter, but there’s more than just enjoyment at stake. Breakfast tells you a lot about someone’s personality. It’s also steeped in controversy with the hot/cold, sweet/savoury tensions. I’m going to explore its history and culture, examining people’s preconceptions and international differences. Be ready to look at breakfast with an intensity that you never thought you would (or could).

“They say: ‘breakfast like a king, lunch like a lord and dine like a pauper’, placing breakfast at the top of the feudal food system.”

We’ll crack on right away with a little background information:

Breakfast has followed a turbulent trajectory, from the ancient Greek breakfast, as mentioned in The Odyssey, to the medieval condemning of all things breakfast related as pure gluttony. By the 17th century, breakfast was back in business, and it blossomed into an extraordinary phenomenon in the 18th century, even inspiring architecture (breakfast rooms aplenty). And look at us now, with more choice than you could shake a spoon at, where breakfast has become so powerful that it has invaded lunch to create brunch.

They say: ‘breakfast like a king, lunch like a lord and dine like a pauper’, placing breakfast at the top of the feudal food system. But what does a king eat to get the day off to a good start? With a little google and an exclusive interview, I have obtained an insight into the way the people at the top breakfast to help inform majestic food choices. Apparently, the Queen eats Cornflakes or Special K with nuts and dried fruits or the occasional boiled egg. Richard Branson has a fruit salad. The CUSU president Amatey Doku understands the importance of keeping your breakfast attuned to your state of mind: “So it’s pretty simple actually because I have had the same breakfast pretty much for the last 3 years – New York Bakery Raisin and cinnamon bagels, one with just butter and the other with plum jam (so that I have something to look forward to). That’s accompanied by fruit juice, either pear and apple juice or grape juice depending on how I’m feeling that week.” So essentially, to breakfast regally you need to keep it dynamic, fruity and emotionally relevant.

The Cereal Box Going against the grain: The Cornflake Edition

The humble cornflake. A pioneer in the production of boxed up baked grains. Discovered by Dr Kellogg and his brother in 1898 by applying the Granose flaking method (mystery to us all) to maize instead of wheat. After a little bit of tweaking to ensure its preservation in the cereal box and the addition of sugar to improve the flavour, the little golden flakes hit the shelves and Kellogg’s cereal has remained a breakfast stalwart ever since.

With an exciting history, you would hope that the cereal itself would pioneer in flavour, but sadly not. It is the most boring cereal going, with a uniform colour and a uniform texture that uniformly disintegrates into a soggy golden gloop. There is definitely an air of efficiency about them though, they are a ‘have-a-bowl-of-cereal-and-your-calorie-intake’ cereal, but they aren’t for people in the market for tastiness.

Kellogg’s did their best to rectify the cardboardy taste and the absence of texture: Frosties and Crunchy nut. But as Mark wisely says in Peep Show: “Frosties are just Cornflakes for people who can’t face reality.” The sugary coat is just a fleeting front that disappears into the milky pool the minute it touches the surface – i.e. not ggggggrrreat. In contrast, Crunchy Nut retains its crunchiness and sweetness. Delicious by the dry handful and wonderful when swimming in a dairy sea. As a wise friend once said: “Cornflakes need spicing up. Frosties spiced it wrong, Crunchy Nut spiced it right.”

The triumph is not in the original but in what followed, victory to the Crunchy Nut.