How can I stop my insecurities that stem from being poorly treated in my prior relationships from destroying my current one with the person who has made me happier than I’ve ever been?

It’s never the easiest task to give somebody relationship advice, but much harder is the challenge of convincing someone that their insecurities are wrong and nothing more than anxieties based on a fiction.

At the risk of sounding patronising: everybody has insecurities. To make matters trickier, the earworms of self-loathing that achieve the tightest grip on our confidence are those incubated by the ones we love: parents, siblings, friends, partners. It makes creating the mental space you need to escape them all the more difficult. Like all insecurities, however, they are as weak as they are strong; all it takes to be free of their restraints is to accept they have no restraint on you at all.

Easier said than done, I know, but let me translate this self-important, vague guidance into some legitimate changes you can make to relieve yourself of the stress of relationship insecurities.

“Switch reassurance for self­-assurance.”

Step 1: Make small changes to the way you interact with your partner. Asking for constant reassurance that they love you and find you attractive, in a painfully ironic way, will most likely generate the feelings of doubt and confusion within your partner that you were concerned about in the first place, whether they were initially present or not. Switch reassurance for self­-assurance. After all, if your partner is with you and hasn’t actually expressed any doubts or concerns about your relationship, why should you be stressing, anyway? 

This brings us to the next change: stop imagining problems where none exist. It may take a while, but having a stern word with yourself – tough-self-loving, if you will – might be the only way to convince your anxious mind that taking five minutes to read and reply does not equal a lack of love.

Finally: communicate. You aren’t the only person with insecurities, especially when it comes to relationships, so it is likely the case that your partner has them, too. Communication and honest discussion about not only the superficial anxieties you have but the evidently deeper motivations for feeling them will allow your partner to understand your behaviour in its proper context, appreciate when you’re feeling anxious, and help you help yourself to move on from your insecurities.

Step 2: Make big changes to the way you interact with yourself. Insecurities stem from within ourselves, and while they can be influenced by the behaviour of those around us, their survival depends ultimately on how we treat them. If you like, other people may sow the seeds, but it takes a consistent amount of water and light to witness the crop grow. Questioning whether your partner loves you, when, as you say, you are happier than you have ever been, suggests that the insecurities have more to do with how you view yourself than with how your partner views you.

Being able to love and respect yourself is a challenge some fail to ever overcome. They, however, probably didn’t read this column. You have to learn to love you for you, whatever your size, shape, age, colour, favourite TV show, ugliest fashion choice – you get the picture. If you truly find the confidence within yourself to be yourself, your insecurities within your relationship will disappear. And if they don’t, you have to start questioning whether your partner is perhaps the real problem. Gaining this confidence has a dual impact; not only does it relieve you of these stresses, but exuding such positivity is attractive and will perhaps make your relationship stronger, as you and your partner find new trust and understanding between each other.

Most importantly, you should be putting yourself first. If you’re trying to battle these insecurities because you think it’s the only way to keep your partner close and in love with you, you need to step back and reassess the situation. Growing into your own skin and learning to love and appreciate yourself is something everybody has to do if they expect to find enjoyment in life, but it is something you have to do – for the most part – on your own. Having a partner or close friends to guide you and encourage you through this process is lovely and can be a blessing but it is not necessary. Finding yourself may be a clichéd activity for young people, but behind the façade of ‘wavey-garms’ and dreadlocks, those people have got it right: you can’t expect other people to love you if you don’t first love yourself.