Only two weeks into veganism, and I’d developed rather impressive dark circles under my eyes. This wasn’t the result of spectacular dietary failure and withdrawal symptoms from animal products – over the weekend, I stuffed myself with homemade vegan guacamole at a house party, got through more platefuls of biryani than I’d like to admit, and discovered date and tamarind coconut ice cream – but a side effect of a rather more unexpected challenge: Body Shop’s vegan mascara.

Realising that my pre-veganism mascara was in its death throes, I went on a panicked search for a readily-available vegan alternative. My cosmetics shopping is now made perilous not only because of my dubious knowledge of the world of make-up but also because of the likes of collagen (a lovely concoction made by cooking up bones, connective tissues, and skin, then added to lotions and creams) and carmine (a substance extracted from cochineal insects’ body and eggs).

I was so elated to find a cruelty-free replacement mascara that I managed to ignore the rather obvious ‘waterproof’ print on the packaging. The horror was real when the stuff wouldn’t come off. My sight foggy with mascara, it took me two days to source vegan makeup remover – that’s two days spent trying to scrub my eyes with soap and cover up the increasing smudge. Oh well, I guess the look could qualify as ‘intensely smokey eyes’.

With my style starting to sink to levels of disaster similar to Trump’s orange look, it takes a leap of faith to believe that, by going vegan, I’m actually part of a new hot movement: vegans – with makeup failure or not – are the new cool kids on the block.

“Veganism is now the new scientology of the red carpet, with the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow and Beyoncé going plant-based – slightly more tempting than digging into your first-born’s placenta.”

The stats back up my new status as the Cool One: the number of vegans in the UK has more than quadrupled in the past 10 years, standing now at roughly half a million. Google searches for ‘vegan’ have doubled since 2011. And, with my essay writing now regularly disrupted by the need to have certain life-and-death questions answered (‘can you make vegan sticky toffee pudding?’, ‘does veganism make you hot?’), that number has probably tripled in just the past two weeks. But in the face of all this plant-based bliss, what on Mother Earth made cutting out animal products the new sexy?

The truth is, people don’t have much shame when it comes to what’s in vogue. We’ve danced to everything from the Macarena to the Ketchup song, worn lycra shorts in non-cycling contexts, and fallen off skyscrapers and walked into military bases in search for virtual monsters (Pokémon Go, anyone?) Food is no exception: an early diet guru, Lord Byron, was all for vinegar in order to cast off a pound or two, drinking the stuff on a daily basis and soaking his potatoes in it. The vinegar diet soon found a following in young Romantics aiming for the pale and thin Byron-look – and voilà, a food fad had been born.

The V Card: The Metamorphosis

Now, veganism has a distinct advantage over its vinegar rivals in that it is actually accepted as a proper, healthy diet, and with campaigns such as meat-free Mondays and Veganuary, it is hard to avoid arguments for more ethical, healthy, and eco-friendly eating. But appealing to reason isn’t the whole story – if people were rational beings, perhaps the US wouldn’t have an orange president.

Cue something of an extreme veganism makeover: being vegan was formerly associated with pale, skinny, hippy-like beings. Now, however, the culinary scene is full of clean eaters, wellness bloggers, and hard-core vegan athletes. A peek at my Instagram search history will show evidence of hefty vegan food porn consumption, with everything from moist black bean brownies to nutty energy balls, all accompanied by orgasmic comments – “Oh my GAWD I need this now <3.” Oh, and veganism is now the new scientology of the red carpet, with the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow and Beyoncé going plant-based – slightly more tempting option than digging into your first-born’s placenta à la Tom Cruise.

With its extreme makeover, veganism is splitting into two: you can go old-school vegan for the ethics, environment, and animals, or embrace the sexy new lifestyle for health and general chic. Followers of the former like to point out that the latter is not proper veganism, but merely ‘plant-based’ eating. True that, but it’s the trendy option that’s leading the boost in veganism, and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy the trendiness of my experiment.

When a friend whips out a surprise chocolate panettone – we’re talking the best of Waitrose here – as a study break snack, and I’m left watching everyone else tuck in, it is hard to say ‘no’. But, despite my eyes stinging from my permanent mascara and attempts to scrub it off with soap, all of this is a tad easier when I can think that Beyoncé would do the same and that I’m essentially a sexy vegan soldier in action. Hell yeah, vegan bro