“Practical criticism aims to analyse a text based on style, form, and content, unhindered by its historical or cultural contexts.”

Do you recognise this compelling quote? Of course you do. Its words were chosen, crafted, and splatted together into what critics call ‘a sentence’ by none other than Lily Lindon, the author of Practical Shitticism. But what exactly is Practical Shitticism? Some have claimed it is merely a series of student-level blog posts which aim to provoke ‘mild amusement’ by over-analysing texts which normally wouldn’t be analysed.

That is simply not true. These outrageous assumptions cannot be tolerated any longer. Lindon’s Practical Shitticism column is a true work of literature, and must be treated as such.

“Did Lindon try to write practical shitticism, or pseudo-intellectual witticism?”

Henceforth, for the full and firm duration of this final essay, I shall be exploring Lindon’s blogging oeuvre. Lindon’s work is currently chronically under-studied, but I wish to offer my views on the key debates surrounding them: did Lindon try to write practical shitticism, or pseudo-intellectual witticism? Which is even the desirable one when it comes to parody? And is there a limit to overthinking ‘overthinking’? I’m going to overthink Lindon’s articles to find out.

Generally, Lindon is a grandiloquent writer. Whenever she could use one adjective, she uses three: whether this is because she thinks it makes her look clever, or simply to boost up her word count, she must learn that it is excessively ostentatious, extravagant, and excessive. Remarkably, however, many readers fail to understand that this flowery style is actually a constant pun on her first name, Lily. It was for this reason, too, that Lily decided to join forces with Varsity’s ‘Violet’ blog. The purple theme is just a red herring (a purple herring?) - it’s really all about the flowers.

Exclusive: Magdalene May Ball announces headline act

The collaboration between Lily and Violet - perhaps better described as ‘a blog bouquet’ - is living proof that flowers grow best when planted in manure. I’m not quite sure what the manure is in that metaphor, but it’s probably that pesky Lindon trying to pun on the idea of practical ‘shit’-icism. She often felt that she underused the eponymous opportunity for the inevitable hilarity of poo-poo jokes. In conclusion, even those moments of her articles which are ‘full of crap’ are actually part of her extended wordplay on horticulture. They don’t call her Lily ‘shit’ Lindon for nothing.

Lindon’s first article for the column was back in the halcyon days of January. It tackled the incredibly uncontroversial poet President Trump, looking closely at his performance of his ‘Inauguration Speech’. A reader rather kindly commented that Lindon was “not afraid to speak the truth”. The truth being expounded about Trump’s speech was of course his strong feminist message. However, although on the surface it seems as if Lindon is being entirely sincere in her analysis, Lindon may not have exactly spoken the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth here; I posit she preceded Trump’s own post-modern, post-truth position. Rather unfortunately, despite being post-humorous, his speech is not yet posthumous.

Talking of abrupt changes in tone, Lindon’s second article was about ‘Ice Ice Baby.’ At first, this article might appear to be nothing more than a vehicle for making ice puns. However, the reader must move past her comments about “the (surprisingly liquid) voice of Vanilla Ice” and see more clearly: this is the rock of her unmelting journalistic integrity.

Let me quote her: “We are drawn back to [the word Ice] ineluctably, repetitively, pathologically, repetitively.” This is the first example of many similar ‘jokes’ Lindon will make throughout the practical shitticism columns, combining her favourite stylistic device - repetition - with her second favourite stylistic device - repetition. More on that later.

As one critic commented on the ‘Ice Ice Baby’ article, “I love you’. This foreshadows the following Practical Shitticism article on Valentine’s Day cards. Lindon’s third offering is rightfully her least popular. The world wasn’t ready for her cutting satire, like “few can think of something more romantic than publically claiming ownership over your Valentine with a glittery pink badge-ring.” However, it may satisfy your intellectual curiosity to know that Lindon actually bought all the Valentine’s cards discussed - including two others that aren’t pictured - so that they would be within copyright for the article. This means she bought more Valentine’s Day cards for the purpose of this blog than she has received in her entire life. That’s academia for you.

“Presumably she was attempting to be ironic.”

Lindon then went on to “fight back against navel-gazing, against self-indulgent introspection, and against generally verbose writing on niche and irrelevant issues” by analysing her own UCAS personal statement. Honestly, I find this attempt at self-analysis rather trite. She even went on to talk about herself as a ‘poet’ whilst also acting as a critic. Presumably she was attempting to be ironic. The whole kaboodle was like a budget version of Inception, and I’m not sure anyone enjoyed it. When will writers learn that readers don’t really like meta jokes? Sad. I hope I’m never like that.

Finally, we arrive at Lindon’s penultimate piece, where she comments upon the “avant-garde poetry publication” known as Crushbridge. Through logical analysis and classic comedy, it is revealed that everyone has written poems outlining their desire for Lindon herself. Fans of Lindon such as these (of which there are evidently billions) may care to know that the picture of an ‘EMOTIONLESS POTATO’ used in that article is the single greatest source of happiness in Lindon’s life thus far. Finding it was, to her, one of those moments of pure bliss when you realise that every decision you have ever made must have been the right one, because it has led you to here.

If Crushbridge be the food of love, play on

And so we arrive at Lindon’s final little dump - the one you’re reading right now. The inevitable culmination of self-self-analysis, this is where Lindon gets all of my pronouns wrong, and muddles her tenses. (You’ll see that in the previous sentence, Lindon did an amusing thing where I actually muddled the pronouns and tenses while I said she was going to. Did you see that? Very clever.) Basically, it’s all very droll but she thinks it should probably end there by saying ‘end of conclusion’.

And that concludes Lindon’s practical shitticism. But don’t let that stop you from joining in. The sources of inspiration for practical shitticism are increasingly all around us, after all. Who knows, verbal diarrhoea may be one way to combat the complete crap that surrounds us, on the news, on our exam papers, on our student-level blogs. This has merely been a little plop in the ocean. Go on, I dare you: find some texts, get practical, and defecate all over them.* In an intellectual way, of course.

*Told you, Lindon loves poo-poo jokes