I just broke up with my boyfriend and I really want him back. I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone as much as I love him. What do I do?

Dear reader, you are not alone (unavoidable cliché).

We’ve all been there. The pain of a breakup is a singular and incomparable one. Not only do you lose the partner who you love, but often your best friend as well. And, frustratingly, it hurts on both sides: breaking up with someone is an equally confusing and agonising experience, with the added guilt of knowing that you’ve hurt the person you loved the most. With exams fast approaching and the lure of summer freedom infecting the Cambridge bubble, relationships appear to be ending left, right and centre – so hopefully this advice is particularly of use right now.

“You should never be with someone because of the love they give you”

Love is a weird emotion – I loved my ex-boyfriend, I love my best friend, and I love this one pair of trousers I own with navy and white polka dots all over them. Love isn’t preserved solely for your partners or your parents; love can and should be non-exhaustive and it’s important we don’t forget this. Right now it feels like you’ve depleted your lifetime supply of this invaluable sensation, but I can promise you – categorically – you have not. You might be right in feeling like you’ve never felt like this about someone before, but you are wrong in assuming that you won’t again in the future. Similarly, you can and probably will love more than one person intimately at some points in your life and should not feel guilty about it. Understanding that love isn’t finite in this way can help to ease the heartache and null the feeling of a void in your life.

But what do you do when you’re convinced they really are the one, and that no other future love, if it happens, will ever compare? Well, firstly: take a deep breath and clear your head because you just aren’t thinking logically. The urge to run back to partners after a break up is undeniably strong and almost impossible to ignore, but giving in to it would be detrimental to both parties. Whether you did the dumping and are having second thoughts, or were the victim and are plotting how to win them over, I have found from experience that the following thought process usually helps to calm my mind:

1. Why did it end? Regardless of which side you were on, there was a reason the relationship ended, and it is important to you and your ex that you respect this, even if you don’t agree with it. Appreciate the honesty and courage involved with the act of breaking up; your partner loved you, and probably still does, but for whatever reason has to be more raw and truthful than ever and confront their own reality.
2. What can you do about it? Short answer: nothing. Fighting your ex’s reasoning and denying their experience of reality will lead to further misery for both of you as you force more negativity out from beneath the surface. So too would acknowledging the existing problems and choosing to overlook them in favour of a ‘fresh start’ in which you both pretend nothing ever went wrong. Relationships can be hard and do sometimes take a bit of work, but you should never have to force them to succeed.
3. What now? Accept that you cannot change reality – once the negative thoughts of wanting to leave someone have surfaced in a relationship, it is almost impossible to make them disappear. Going back to your partner would be an act of conscious self-sacrifice; either you dumped them and you are knowingly returning to a situation that made you unhappy, or you were dumped and you are actively seeking out a partner that is neither committed nor satisfied.
4. Move on. You are completely entitled to a few days, weeks, or even months of indulgence of your pain. It is fresh and you are fragile. But you should never let yourself slump when you know deep down you have the capacity to get up and move on. As soon as you feel like the energy is there, pick yourself up and get back on the horse. It might take a bit of a fight and a lot of self-control, but moving forwards with an acceptance of the new situation, not a desire to change it, will allow you to find happiness once more.

All of this advice works in theory, but it is nothing without the following reminder – you should never be with someone because of the love they give you. Ask yourself what it is you love about your partner that is specific to them as an autonomous, individual human-being. If everything they provide you with and every reason you can think of could be fulfilled by a generic X, Y, or Z partner – get out. You should not be in a circumstantial or meaningless relationship, however harsh that reality may be. If what just ended for you falls into this category of what I term a ‘relationship for the sake of a relationship’, it’s probably a good thing that it ended, in the long-run.

Agony Aunt: Overcoming insecurities

You have been blessed with the opportunity to fully comprehend yourself as an individual and recognise that you are worthy of nothing short of amazing. You should never invest in a relationship where you aren’t completely in awe of the other person – where they don’t constantly impress and outstand you with their behaviour, attitude, and personality. Similarly, you should never invest in an unequal relationship – so they should feel the same way about you.

Going forward is the key attitude to assume while dealing with your breakup. It is terribly sad that it ended, but you should try your hardest to let it change you and your attitude towards future relationships. You are (I guarantee) an amazing person. Committing to a relationship should be a compromise between two equally astounding personalities who acknowledge the implications of sharing their life with one another – it should not feel like you are making your life more whole or more complete, because life should already feel this way. If it doesn’t, then spend some time alone and find the confidence in yourself that you deserve. In the meantime, though, maybe drunken karaoke with your friends can ease the pain…