Keep calm, batten down the hatches, fasten your seatbelts and prepare for horror: we’ve got a full-scale bourgeois pandemic and you - yes you! - could be the next victim. No doubt it’s already insidiously wormed itself into your newsfeeds. Perhaps your next-door neighbour is already suffering in silence, or your grandfather has been ferociously struck with this terrible ailment. All our experts know is, if you love guacamole, have a penchant for poached egg and avo toast, or just love a scoop o’ th’ fruit, you’re in danger.

The avocados are coming.

Yes. The avocados are coming and they are predators. BBC News covered this outrageous phenomenon, defining the grievous injury inflicted as ‘a serious stab or slash injury resulting from failed attempts to penetrate the fruit’s hard outer casing with a sharp knife before encountering the inner stone’. The avocado is fighting back and it plays dirty. Plastic surgeons are rallying, crying out for safety labels on the malicious Mexican favourite, desperately on their knees begging for such an insidious bounty to be destroyed. Mothers are pleading with their loved ones to just put down the Pret sandwich and walk away with their hands raised, that no more innocents are mutilated. No-one is safe.

So, being the thoughtful and conscientious citizen I am, I’ve carefully planned a few ways you can safeguard those close to you from the brutal maiming that avocados may inflict (Ministry of Defence, if you’re reading this please consult me privately – all methods are patented. Fees negotiable).

"The avocado is fighting back and it plays dirty"

1. Grow out your nails, sharpen them to a fine point and surgically incise the fruit. Scrape the fatty green flesh from its bumpy shell and lick off your newly grown claws.

2. Invest in a heavy mallet and some steel-cap boots. Smash the shit to pieces. Optional extra: slide-tackle/stomp/scissor kick the avocado. Collect debris, add cherry tomatoes, season and serve with cheesy nachos.

3. Steal a baby spoon from the nearest available baby. Use the softened, rounded plastic to carefully penetrate the fruit, and scoop out its innards. Enjoy every one of those tiny mouthfuls.

4. Obtain a weapons-grade grenade launcher. Load fruit accordingly.

5. Clean your hoover. Use the sterilised nozzle to gently suck out the hard stone. Liberate edible fruit from its confines.

6. Add whole avocado to blender. Pulse. Spend up to 7 hours carefully extracting inedible bits. Your safety is worth the effort.

7. Dissolve in acid. Construct chemical formula to neutralise acid. Ingest remnants.

8. Give avocado to male Emperor penguin. He will not let it touch the ice. In 66 days a fresh, skinless, seedless avocado will hatch.

9. Eat the avocado the same way you would eat an apple.

10. Leave your husband for the local carpenter. Steal your new lover’s sandpaper supplies. Sail off into the distance with your newly polished, skin-free green baby. Exchange your wedding ring for more avocados. Repeat.

11. Achieve a botany degree. Breed avocados free from nuisance seeds and skins.Douse avocado in gasoline or other household flammable liquid. Ignite. Watch that skin burn. It reminds me of him.

Why doesn’t England have a national vegetable?

Or... alternatively, practise caution with your kitchen knives. Place the avocado on an appropriate cutting surface. Ensure fingers and palms are out of the way. Slice slowly and carefully. Easy. You have beaten the avocado