“Undulating, uneven, uninspiring – 5/10.” I wouldn’t be surprised to see the comment on one of my essays, probably with the mark lower.

Thankfully, though, this time around it was targeted at New College Quad. Oxford students have taken upon themselves to rate their quads on Facebook: on Oxford College Quad Review, quads are scrutinised for the greenery, geometry, architecture, and hospitality, as well as given a San Pellegrino flavour. The “uninspiring” New College Quad is assigned pomegranate and orange, while St. Edmund Hall boasts “agreeable biodiversity” and at The Queen’s College, “at 8:1, the bin to quad ratio seemed aggressive.”

I brushed off quad reviewing as exam term procrastination taken a step too far, but having a closer look at our courts, they do speak out to you. Maybe it’s the sun, maybe it’s the excessive time spent in the library, but turns out you can hand out awards to courts like Oscars.

Corpus – The Classic

If I had to illustrate the notion of a Cambridge court with one picture, that picture would be Corpus. Corpus is to Cambridge courts what New College is to Oxford quads: “the archetype for quads to aspire to.” New Court at Corpus is as prototypical as courts get, with its no-nonsense, no-frills rectangular lawn, solidly surrounded on all sides by a classic colour scheme of generic Cambridge brown.

“If I had to illustrate the notion of a Cambridge court with one picture, that picture would be Corpus”

Unfortunately, the simple look is difficult to maintain: rather like having a full fringe, even the teeniest fleck – whether that be a stray strand of hair or a yellowish blade of grass – can destroy the whole, leaving the person/college looking unkempt at best and unfit to be seen at worst. Have you ever peered into Corpus in the weeks after their May Ball? No? Then don’t.

Christ’s ­– The Rebel

While the classic well-defined rectangle does it for some, others go for a curvier look. Previously known as God’s House, you’d expect Christ’s to opt for a conservative look in line with other older colleges. But rather like a teenager going through the black stage – a bit different to be noticed as rebellious, but too mainstream to be uncomfortably so – Christ’s has decided to rebel against its court family with a circular lawn. Talk about #quadgoals.

As unique as it may be, the circular First Court look is full of hygge: low buildings, flowers, and ivy lend it a Shrine-like touch. Don’t be fooled to think that Christ’s is easy to read, though. There’s a hint of menace behind this court, as it lulls visitors into a false sense of security, before the college reveals its crime against architecture – the Typewriter at its backend.

John’s ­– The Controller

John’s is slightly less slightly less meek when it comes to its dominating and controlling tendencies. John’s is all about a totalitarian ethos: visitors are set on the correct path by more signs than there are opportunities to go wrong, it’s harder to pass the porters than the bouncers into Sunday Life, and there is no circular lawn in sight to soften the blow.

‘But which court are you talking about?’ I hear you ask in frustration. Now, New Court bordering the Backs, boasting a wedding-cake like clock tower, and an array of film credits, is the reason why we’d rather be at Oxford, but I’m all about the first three courts on the town side of the river. Innovatively named First, Second and Third Court, the trio looks like what happens when an architect discovers Control C, Control V. But then why not? It’s a classic look that goes well with signet rings, and mass production is always a fail-safe method to bring in the cash flow.

Churchill – The Why

Churchill questions many things with its mere existence: what is beauty? Do all buildings have an equal right to live? Can physical pain be induced through the lack of aesthetics? What is a court when the whole college comes across as one big court in the form of a jungle of grass and concrete?

“Churchill questions many things with its mere existence: what is beauty?”

That said, where Churchill loses on the classical beauty front, it wins in functionality. It has lawns and paved paths to walk on, tables to sit at, and many options to get from A to B in a direct line, without the need to circumnavigate large areas of grass. It’s almost as if Churchill is meant to be lived in.

Medwards – The Woodstock

Prudence, chastity, quaintness – what all-girls’ colleges were meant to be. Medwards is all about defying the stereotype, and its front court – if you can call it that – is no exception. Yes, there are feminine flowers galore but they adorn a mystic dome, the whole front of college screaming out ‘Party on!’ The grass is more of a case of pavement and the plodge a conference reception, but there is some solid emancipation and liberal values with funky florals going on here. Welcome to Woodstock.

Dominate or liberate, functional or in-the-way, Cambridge courts have it covered. The best news is that there are dozens of them – why wait for the University to review your exam answers, when you can go off and review its courts?