Since I came to Cambridge, I haven’t got with a guy whilst sober. Is this a problem, or am I reading too much into it?

We all deal with exam term differently, whether that’s hiding away in your room or finding yourself trying to tick off all of the pubs in Cambridge in the evenings when you’ve finished work. There are lots of people who have found that this term has been more drunken than either Michaelmas or Lent, and as such the morning-after tea-spilling sessions in kitchens and dining halls have been ripe with gossip. Intoxicated shenanigans, however, can often be problematic. Is it healthy to only engage in sexual behaviour with others when under the influence of alcohol? Does this speak to darker issues among our generation; are we incapable of dealing with grand emotions of love and affection, or are we simply revelling in the freedom that youth and university provide?

I think the fact that this question is on your mind suggests that your own behaviour is not sitting well with you, and it’s healthy to want to reflect and understand your actions in a wider context. There are probably some deeper questions that should be answered here: are you satisfied by the drunken get-withs and one-night-stands you’ve been involved with since being in Cambridge? Are you looking for something more meaningful, or does the idea of a committed relationship want to make you run and hide? If you yourself are unsure of the answers, fear not, hopefully the following thought process will help you to clarify what it is you want from your love life…

“Are we incapable of dealing with grand emotions of love and affection, or are we simply revelling in the freedom that youth and university provide?”

Firstly, I think it’s important to accept that being drunk and having fun is not a crime; it’s perfectly natural and perfectly respectable and you are entitled to behave as you like (obviously, as long as consent is provided by all involved). If, so far at uni, you haven’t had a sober sexual experience, it might just be because you haven’t met the right person – someone whom you feel comfortable enough around to put yourself in that vulnerable position. It may also be because you’re uninterested in sober relations, which is also perfectly acceptable. There are two things to consider before seeking to invest yourself in somebody else: drunken tomfooleries can be a fun and inconsequential pastime for students, and relationships at University can be hard - particularly in Cambridge.

Cambridge terms are short and intense; committing yourself to somebody, either here or at home, can be challenging simply because of the time commitment involved in relationships. It can be hard if they aren’t here with you, not only because long-distance relationships are difficult, but because the Cambridge lifestyle is hard to understand if not experienced first-hand. Equally, if they too reside in the bubble, they can become synonymous with the stress that Cam incubates and, like our terms, the relationship may become intense.

Conversely, going to Cindies or Life and getting with [insert name here] from [insert college here] can be an amusing way to let loose and relieve yourself of the stress of your Tripos. It can be problematic if you happen to know and perhaps even live with said person, but often drunken engagements are commitment free and something to simply giggle about the morning after.

There are dangers, though, to consistently exposing yourself to the power of alcohol. We often think we have more control or consciousness while drunk than we really do, and repeatedly participating in sexual behaviour while drunk can sometimes lead to situations we don’t want to be in. It’s important to have good friends and support around you when you’re out, and that we all respect the fact that alcohol is involved in a lot of our social experiences. If you wouldn’t get with somebody whilst sober, do you really want to get with them while drunk? If the answer to this is no, but you somehow repeatedly wind up regretting your drunken deeds, perhaps some sober time is a good idea. 

“Drunken interactions only become problematic when you feel yourself that they are; it is not up to anybody else to dictate your behaviour”

The promise of a loving and reliable partner can be appealing, especially if you’ve recently been stuck at the other end of the relationship spectrum. Exam term can strengthen this desire as we seek to relieve our stress by spending meaningful time with people we care about. If you know that a relationship, or at least something more serious and sober than your usual experiences, is something you desire then it can be frustrating to feel like alcohol is necessary in order to come close to achieving it. But, if after this exploration into your relationship psyche you’ve concluded that this is, in fact, the direction you would like your social life to take, then perhaps reducing the amount of beer and Pimm’s you consume in the sun this week will provide you with some sober insights and ideas.

You might think it’s impossible to have sober interactions with people in Cambridge – our busy schedules make it difficult to have many meaningful conversations with our friends, let alone anyone more significant. But perhaps you can use exam term as a means of fulfilling this wish; planning dates in the sun, or to spend time with someone you like as a break from revision, can offer an easy way to get to know people and perhaps see something flourish as a result.

Agony Aunt: The Parent Trap

Ultimately, there’s nothing wrong with wanting meaningless interactions with people, just as there’s nothing wrong with desiring something deeper. As long as you work out what you want, respect the people you involve yourself with and their needs and requests, and enjoy however you do choose to behave... everything is fine. Drunken interactions only become problematic when you feel yourself that they are; it is not up to anybody else to dictate your behaviour. So, dear lovely reader, my concluding advice would be to spend some time reflecting on what direction you want your love life to take, and plan accordingly; as long as you’re in control, you’ll be okay